The Desire Of My Heart

I'm Movin!

2010-07-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Click on the pic to check it out.

My main blog is moving and it's been over-hauled! Please join me for the new beginning!

(this blog will remain up - but I won't be updating here anymore)

Proverbs 31:25

2010-06-29T18:36:00.000-07:00

And she smiles at the future.

I can't tell you how many times I've read Proverbs 31. Too many to count. But, I was reading it today and those words stood out to me, as if I had never read them before. They tell me that the woman is confident about the future. She is sure that whatever happens, everything will be fine. That God is in control of whatever is to come. It has inspired me immensely! This is my new motto and possibly even my new blog - stay tuned.

What day is it?

2010-06-23T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ugh...... Everything has been so crazy. I started my new job last week. It is more hectic than I would've ever imagined. My schedule is all over the place. The hours are different every day. It was supposed to be "part-time", but I'm doing 40+ this week. Almost all of my co-works act as if they suck on lemons. Let me just put it out there- I HATE IT! But, it is what it is. It has defiantly upped my prayer life. I've been praying for patients, mercy, and a speedy end to this detour on my journey.
I'm not sure how often I'll be blogging. Not that I was obsessed with it before the job. Really though, I don't even have the energy to check my email these days.

Adoption Voices

2010-06-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

Adoption Voices

Recently I joined a social network just for people touched by adoption. Here's an excerpt taken directly from the website:

"Welcome to AdoptionVoices, the adoption social network! As a member of AdoptionVoices, we want you to have a safe place to share your story and ideas with others who understand and care as well as learn from other members of the adoption triad, advocates and professionals."

So far, it is a great place to socialize with other adoptive parents and even birthmoms.

Homestead Blessings Video Giveaway

2010-06-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

Raising Homemakers

Taken directly from the Raising Homemakers blog : "RaisingHomemakers.com was born out of a desire grow, learn, and be encouraged by women who were living out Titus 2 and who were managing their homes well for the glory of God."

Visit them and see what it is all about. Then enter the giveaway!

Crib bedding

2010-05-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

You can find out more about it here.

I am in LOVE with this crib bedding set. I have basically everything else for our nursery except for crib bedding. I guess I've just never found any that I really really liked, until now. This set is perfect! Its gender neutral, it's outdoorsy, and its blue. My mom and I painted the baby's room light blue. Yes, I know blue is considered "boy", but I never conform to mainstream idealism. Light blue is neutral in my world. I also love the oranges and greens. Do I have $162? Definitely not! But, I'm going to save up. Hopefully, soon, this cute stuff will be in my nursery eagerly awaiting baby.

Memorial Day

2010-05-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm really not sure when the actual day is celebrated since modern society has turned it into an entire weekend extravaganza. We usually recognize Memorial Day by putting flowers on the graves of our loved ones. However, we are strapped for cash this year. I'm hoping to at least make it up to my Grandmother's grave before the weekend is over. I think of her, still, nearly every day though anyway. It's been more than 3 years since her passing, but she lives on in my memories and through me personally. Not to brag, but I have some of the best qualities that were her. Sometimes, I think that I would just love one more day with her, or even just one hour. I know I will get to see her again.

Anyway, um....... Happy Memorial Day? Is that what you say? I'm not sure.... well, enjoy your holiday weekend. There, hopefully that covers it.

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes Turn and Face The Strange Changes

2010-05-26T20:22:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't notice, most of my life has a soundtrack. I have a jukebox in my brain. There are some changes happening. For the past two years I've worked within my home. I've been preparing for a baby. One that's coming any moment now- I just know it. Yeah, well.... Life keeps rolling on. For a couple months now we've been having a hard time with our mortgage company. We tried to refinance our home loan with a local bank. Even though they led us to believe that we were approved, it didn't work out. While they were dragging their feet, my hubby's credit began to lower since we couldn't afford to pay our raised payments. Finally, it became very clear that we were going to have to try and work something out with our original loan. We've been talking to them about taking the escrow out of our payments (we've already got our taxes & insurance coming directly to us now), but they say that there's nothing they can do for us until we get our payments caught up. So, that's what we are doing. We are sending them another check tomorrow and that should have us caught up. Now, if we don't get something worked out with them...... well, we can't afford to pay what they want. So, we either have to sell the house (which I might as well tell you, is impossible) or sign it over to the bank. That would hurt my hubby's credit - but, as I said it is already imperfect now. What does this mean for us? Well, we will have to move. Where? I don't know. I do know that they won't give us a baby if we are homeless. My parents keep telling us that we won't be homeless as long as they are alive. That is comforting. Sort of. Even if we have a home to live in, they still won't give us a baby if we are living with my parents. We have to be able to show that we are responsible and capable of providing for a child. Living with your mommy- isn't doing that. Also, we have to redo our homestudy in August since its been two years. They will do a credit check. So, if they haven't found out that we are homeless, they will find out that our credit isn't as good as it used to be. Another reason not to give us a baby.
Ok. So with all of that explained, I can safely say that there are some serious changes soon to come. Even if we do work something out with them with this house and get everything resolved, we've already decided that we really need to get out of this sink hole. This is not a homeowners pie in the sky right now. Basically, one way or another I see us living somewhere else by Christmas. Renting isn't looking to bad folks. Our dream is to buy some land in the country, around 5 acres or so and putting a double wide on it. Having a pasture with some horses & cows. A barn with some chickens & ducks. A big garden with vegetables and fruit. Yeah, we want to be farmers. I grew up in the country. I know how great it would be to raise a child there. Where it's quiet. I want a porch where I can go out in the morning and read my Bible with a cup of tea and be at peace.
Today I got a job. Like a real one. Outside of my home. At a popular large retail store. More or less, I will be deep frying food all day. Thank God I get to wear gloves. Isn't that precious. *Disgusted Sigh* I know I'm going to be standing there with grease splattering my clothes and wondering how I got to that point. While this battle with our mortgage company goes on, I know we are going to need extra money to pay our regular bills. I was surprised at how easy it was to get a job. I guess it is what God wants me to do right now. I do what I need to do when I need to do it. But, I will be dreaming of the day that I quit. When I can be in my home (where ever it is), rocking my baby to sleep. It's just going to take more work. More prayer. More waiting. More patients. More love. More faith. Oh Lord....... So much more faith.

Sarah's Laughter (IF Support)

2010-05-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

I've been getting emails from this site for about a week now. It is really uplifting and I encourage all who are delaing with infertility and/or child loss to check the sit out. Here's an excerpt from the email I got today:

Sarah's Laughter

"The three Hebrew guys were thrown into a furnace because of their unyielding worship of God. Imagine the jaw-dropping moment when the king looked inside and saw four men walking around unhurt, and ordered the men to step out of the flames. But what if they had refused to come out? If the Hebrew boys had stayed in the flames when God stepped out, they would have been annihilated and utterly destroyed. His presence in that furnace that day assured them that they were safe and secure. They were in His care and no weapon formed against them—not the threats of the king, not the flames of the furnace—would prosper. The same God they trusted to walk with them through the fire was the same God they trusted to lead them out of the fire! He remains that trustworthy today as you experience the fires of infertility!"

They are also hosting a Live chat Friday @ 8:00 cst. You can learn more about that here:

Infertility Chat

Mt. Dirty Dishes

2010-05-24T10:42:00.000-07:00

Mt. Dirty Dishes

I'm looking to conqure it today! It's pretty scarry and I may not make it, but I'm going to do it or die trying!

Mom's know everything!

2010-05-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

Tonight my mom told me that she has read my blog. I never could hide anything from her. Once when I got pulled over by a cop, she knew about it before I ever got home. When I was a kid she used to tell me that she had eyes in the back of her head. I would get a mental picture of two eye balls hiding amongst her hair. It freaked me out!

Oh no.... Mother's Day

2010-05-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

I've made it no secret in the past that I seriously loath Mother's Day. I know its something that will always be with me, even if I finally do become a mother some day. It would be so much easier if it did not have to be on a Sunday. Last year I went to church because I felt it might be my Grandmother's last Mother's Day. This year, she is most likely too weak to make it to church herself anyway. So, I'm avoiding it. It hasn't been easy since I teach a children's sunday school class. I've been trying to find someone to cover for me. Today I just left a message with the sunday school director that I wouldn't be there and I'll just let him take care of it. I think we may take a trip down south to The Garden of The Gods. Its beautiful country. I'm going to try and forget that the silly holiday ever exsisted!

Bad Ovaries

2010-04-28T10:55:00.000-07:00

My ovaries have turned against me again recently. I've got cysts on both of them. I've been off the pill for a few months to see what would happen. Well, I found out all right. So, I'm feeling some better but still a little yucky. Went back on the pill to hopefully feel totally better soon.

You gotta have faith

2010-04-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

I did a guest blog post for http://godsgirlramble.blogspot.com/
Casey told me that I could write about anything that I wanted as long as I had “faith” as a theme in mind. God has been trying to teach me about faith for a very long time. I decided to look up the definition of faith and among the other explanations this stuck out to me: [complete trust]. Do I completely trust God? Its really hard for me to admit, but I would have to say no. At the very least, I would say I sometimes don’t trust Him. Unless you’ve been living in a bubble your whole life, you know that people hurt each other. They let each other down. They stomp on each other. Even after only one experience like that, one begins to loose their innocent trust in others. I was raised in church and I have read the Bible for myself so I know that God is not human and loves me in a way that I cannot understand. He would never hurt me. He hurts when I hurt. I know this. I even believe it too. But, when things seem to be so bad - instead of trusting that He will take care of me and everything will be ok; I don’t. I guess you could say I sort of throw a tantrum. Yeah, just like a two year old. Things are not going my way and it is oh so unfair. I behave very badly right in front of my Father. I really do wish that I trusted Him. Everything would be so much easier. So much heartache and stress would be avoided. I don’t have “complete trust” in anyone. After 9 years I still occasionally ask my husband if he’s going to leave me. All that we’ve been through, not complete trust. All that my Lord has been through with me and for me, not complete trust. Faith or “trust” in God is a daily choice. In fact, a choice that has to be made from one minute to the next sometimes. Its not easy for me to make a conscious choice. I’m always letting my emotions run wild. Faith and Trust is saying, “Alright, I’m going to set aside everything that I think I know about this situation and I’m going to think this way about it”. It does occasionally happen that I react the correct way. But, not often enough. He is always trying to teach me to trust Him. It makes me think of that children’s song: “He’s still working on me, to make me what I ought to be….” That is so true.

I really don't wanna

2010-04-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

I really don't want to do it, but I think I'm going to have to.... write a post soon about sex. I'm just hoping that what I have to say will make sense and will not be in poor taste.

Clogged up

2010-04-13T20:36:00.000-07:00

I've gotten on here several times in the last few days with the intent of writting something. Something profound and meaningful. But, when I lay my fingers to the keyboard, nothing comes to me. There are several things going on in my life right now, but nothing that I can manage to put into words. Do you ever have thoughts but you just can't let yourself put them out there? It makes me think of Mary, Jesus's mother. A couple of times the Bible says that she "pondered these things in her heart"... or something to that affect. I guess thats what I'm doing right now: Pondering things in my heart. All I can say is, things never stay the same. Everything always changing, weither I want it to or not. Truely, its not that I don't like change - but its alarming when its happening without you. You know? Well, anyway, hopefully I can very soon begin to get all of this muck out of my head and onto this screen. It always makes me feel better.

New Blog Find of The Week

2010-03-29T19:28:00.000-07:00

Please make a special visit to :

Ms. Carrie @ Farming On Faith

The Branches of Infertility

2010-03-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

A few times I've seen it mentioned that one couples infertility eventually, in one way or another affects everyone who cares for them. I believe I've even advised a newby about that before. But, I'm not sure that I really understood the truth of that until today. I would never hurt my family for anything in the world, and I find myself in actual physical pain if any of them are hurting. And yet, today I saw basically all of them hurting and at least part of it was due to infertility. MY infertiltiy. This horrible thing that I carry around inside of me everyday was knawing on my family. And there is nothing that I can do to remove it. I can't loose it, change it, or make it noncomplicated. Infertiltiy is like a disease that infects whole families. I can't tell you the tears that I've spent, and I know that my parents have ached over it too. Now I understand that my brother and his family have suffered for it also. My little brother that I just want to protect from everything. Oh how we have all been affected by this. You have no idea how much I want to control the situation. Some how make everything go away. I want my problem to be my problem only. I've learned to deal with the pain for myself. But, I can't. God made me. He put me with my parents. He created my brother and made me his big sister. He brought his wife to him, way before I had ever given the word "infertility" a second thought. I'm learning more and more that I have no control over anything. Doesn't matter what I want. God set things up exactly as they are. I wish that He hadn't. But, He did. I will never fully understand why God made me this way. I don't think I have the ability to understand why it has to touch my family. All I can do is pray for the majority of the pain to be over soon for all of us(in whatever conclusion that maybe), and to pray for strength. I have no choice but to praise Him in even this too.

Some facts about FEA

2010-03-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

I imagine most people have never heard of such a thing as frozen embryo adoption. But, when one's life has been so permiated by infertility and the various options of growing a family besides typical conception ~ you learn as much as you can about everything weither you really wanted to or not. Fertility becomes your life. Well, anyway, if you are curious about the process of embryo adoption here is a wonderful post about it from a woman who is living it. Congrats on your miracle Jess!
My opinion: Frozen Embryo Adoption is the only morally correct thing to do with extra embryos that are not going to be used by the orginal donors. I spit on human embryo stem cell research!

Flip Flops!

2010-03-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

Its so warm here today I dug out a pair from last year. I really love me a pair of flip flops. They are so comfy and easy. Now I need to paint my piggies.

Micah 6:8

2010-03-08T11:46:00.000-08:00

Today's small thing is simply to post this verse somewhere. So I created this picture to post as my wallpaper. You can find the small thing here.

11 weeks old!

2010-03-04T10:07:00.000-08:00

Shelby @ 11 weeks old! She is so funny. Last night she found her voice- her barking voice that is. Its a squeeky girly bark. She's been trying it out ever since.

Hey, whats under there?

2010-03-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

This is my dresser on the sloppy pill...

and this is my dresser on the clean pill....
any questions?
Ok, so thats silly... but it reminded me of those psa's about your brain on drugs they used to show when I was a kid. I really like to be organized, but sometimes the things around me are not and after a while you get used to it. I did this in response to Rachel Anne's Home Sanctuary Today's Small Thing. Get on over there and check it out.

Baby Wrap!

2010-02-26T15:19:00.000-08:00

Click on the pic to visit the Moby Wrap website.

We bought a moby wrap this week. I went with a plain black one. I figured it was best since we don't know which gender we are getting. Today we had fun trying to learn to wrap it. Its much easier than you would think. I'm really excited about baby wearing!

New Puppy

2010-02-13T16:23:00.000-08:00

This is Shelby! She's an Aulstrailan Shepard mix. She's around 8 weeks old. We brought her home today. So far, everything is going great!

Buy a t-shirt & support our adoption

2010-02-08T19:29:00.000-08:00

Help me be a mommy! My husband and I are selling t-shirts to raise money for our adoption. Up to 45% of the cost of each shirt goes into an account for our adoption. Only the shirts on our website count towards us.

Another New Nephew

2010-02-04T15:55:00.001-08:00

This is "A". My husband's biological brother's baby. You can read about that here.

Me holding him.
He was born yesterday @ 2:22 p.m. Weighing in at 7lbs 3oz & 19 inches long.

My new best friend

2010-02-02T19:17:00.000-08:00

Introducing ~~~~~

my new best friend

isn't she gorgeous!

Last Friday night, while we were giving our cat a bath in the kitchen sink our old stove made a weird popping noise and then it seemed that it was done serving me. Over the weekend we discussed our options. We could have bought a nice used one from some friends of ours. We could have bought a hot plate until we could save some money for a new stove. We could have just used our microwave and outdoor grill for a while. But, we decided to go ahead and purchase a new stove on credit. We got it with no interest and no payments for a year, but we will pay that off in a few weeks when we get our tax return. Anyway, we got it home and hooked it up and it didn't seem to be working either. We started to consider that there was another problem. Hubby discovered that there was a fried wire in the wall outlet. So, I guess we really didn't need a new stove after all. However, we've decided to keep the new one. The old one was very, very old. It probably wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway.

Fighting snakes

2010-01-31T19:31:00.000-08:00

I realize just the site of this really scares some people. Like my dad for example. But, it doesn't do much for me at all. I guess if I lived in a region with poisonness snakes that might be a different story. I've always thought snakes were interesting. Most animals seem interesting to me. Most American snakes are not venomous. This snake is supposed to be an Anaconda. Anacondas won't bite you, they just swallow you whole.
Anyway, our pastor talked about snakes today in his sermon. Well, only at the end - but it affected me profoundly. Actually, his sermon was about the basic "be fisher's of men" story. At the end he told a story about a little boy. The little boy's momma told him to go fishing and catch dinner. So, he and his buddy start off for the fishn' hole (our pastor is a good ol' boy from Alabama) and on the way they see a big group of snakes. They start messing with the snakes, and pretty soon it was dark. The little boy had to come home without any fish. His mom asked him why he had come home empty handed and he told her he had been "fighting snakes".
I've been around and around lately about what God's will is for my life. With this story, it became very clear to me. I've been in church all my life, and been a christian since I was 14 - but never did I actually understand what God's will is for my life. His desire for me. I guess I'm really thick headed; I don't know. God's will for my life is to go fishing. Fishing for men. Instead, I've been fighting snakes. I've been putting everything else before His real will for my life. Everything that I think that I want. A perfect marriage, a perfect home, a perfect self as a wife, children. I've used the adoption to overshadow what I should be doing with myself. Simply, I should be telling others about Jesus. No wonder I've been so miserable most of the time. Miserable with the adoption. Miserable with everything. I AM NOT IN GOD'S WILL! Duh!
As God's timing is perfect timing - our pastor is starting a new class on Wednesday nights about how to witness to the lost. I'm going to check that out and see if I can't learn how. I'll be blogging my progress.
If you are fighting snakes - let them slither off and get yourself right with the Lord.

2010-01-30T14:29:00.001-08:00

Hi
just got myself all fixed up for mobile blogging

Facebook killed the blog

2010-01-30T14:11:00.001-08:00

I used to think that the world revolved around the blog. Night and day I would be constantly thinking of things to blog about. I loved to visit other blogs and see what other people were doing in their lives and frequent blogs with whom I had commen interests and opinions. It was the coolest thing since sliced store bought bread. But, then I was introduced to facebook. Thats when the transition began. Now, my sun rising and sets on fb. I've played all the games, and lost interest. I'm well over a 100 friends, and noone ever says anything that amuses me much.

Recently I was thinking that I really do have a few things to say. Things that I can't share on facebook because that status thing only allows you so many characters. Where could I share these thoughts, opinions, and experiances? Hey, wait a minute, didn't I used to have somewhere to do that?! What was that called? Oh yeah, BLOG.

So, here I am. I have returned to you again my dear sweet blog. Please forgive my absense. I can't promise never to peak at your arch enemy - facebook. But I can say that I see much blogging in my near future.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-21T12:33:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

A Baby Changes Everything

2009-10-17T10:31:00.000-07:00

A Baby Changes Everything by Faith Hill

Teenage girl, much too young

Unprepared for what`s to come

A baby changes everything

Not a ring

On her hand

All her dreams and all her plans