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Thursday, August 23, 2007

The Desire of my Heart



Recently Anna posted about unanswered prayers. I've been putting off a post of my own for a long time and after reading hers I thought that it was about time for me to get it out. Bare with me this may take a couple different posts and some time.
I had heard of the word "infertility" but I'm fairly sure I'd never used it. Its just not something that people think about. The scenario goes like this: Girl meets Boy. Girl has a fairytale wedding. Girl gets pregnant. Girl, Boy, & Baby (or babies) live happily ever after. Anything outside of this grand plan just doesn't sit well with people. I've gotten the feeling that its almost taboo to some people. Like if you talk about it they'll catch it. I've learned to keep things to myself. But, this is a blog for me to share. So, I'm going to share this thing even if its offensive to some. It maybe helpful to someone else.
I was just like any other woman. My husband and I had been married for 3 years, so we had our "just the two of us" time like society says your supposed to have. Now, I had done everything right. I was a virgin when we got married, I wore white...the whole bit. I had my man, now I wanted a baby. That's just the natural progression of things. At 22 years old my clock was off and ticking. Sometime in late summer 2003 I went off the pill. In October I was late. "Man", I thought, "That was easy". I had expected it might take a year and I was anticipating the wait. I did my figuring and I could be 5 weeks along. We were going to wait until 6 weeks to go to the doctor. But, of course we all but shouted it from the mountain tops that we were sure we were pregnant. Just in that one week that I suspected it, I bought the "what to expect" book, maternity clothes, a name book, baby stuff, etc. One the day that I would've been 6 weeks along, I woke up with pain. Not serious pain, but when you think your pregnant everything is serious. I managed to get an appt. instead of having to go to the E.R. Waiting for those test results is unbelievable. We were....so sure! The only situation I was thinking about was what if its a tubal. I would be faced with an abortion. When she came back with a negative I was perplexed. I had all of the symptoms. Breast tenderness, fatigue, nausea. She set me up with an ultrasound. I went into that little room convinced that the test was wrong and that they would see a little shrimp in there when they moved that wand around. It had to be wrong, my husband had already been talking into my belly button. Somehow, we managed to get the X-ray tech. to tell us that she didn't see a baby. You know how there not supposed to say anything. I had to stay there at the hospital while they faxed the pictures to my doctor. She called the hospital just to talk to me. She said that I ovarian cysts. She said that one of them was so big that it needed to be removed. I still remember the shock that I was hearing that I would need surgery and that I was going to have to find my own surgeon. It took me weeks to find a doctor who was willing to do the surgery. To this day, I think that was weird that my doctor would set something up for me. But, that's when I started taking my health into my own hands. Which is something everyone needs to do. Anyway, during this time I felt like a ticking time bomb. I had been told that the cyst could burst and it might cause me to bleed internally, all of this scary stuff. I was scheduled for surgery for November 13. Two days after our 3rd Anniversary.
To be continued next Tuesday....

8 comments:

MInTheGap said...

It's sad, but it makes you wonder if BC has an effect on women that they aren't saying.

I look forward to reading the rest of the story.

CONNIE'S THOUGHTS FROM THE HEART said...

I am sorry I have to wait until next Tueday but I will. I hope everything turn out alright. I have a grand daughter in law. She and her husband have been married for 2 years the end of this month. They have had 4 miscarriages with one of them at 5 months. So I am very interested in your story. connie fromTexas

Mary said...

Oh Bethanie, this is hard to read, my heart goes out to you. I think every newly-trying-to-conceive mama can relate. I was sure I was pregnant many times and wasn't. All the symptoms. It's almost mean the way our mind/body plays tricks on us.

Am really wanting to hear the rest of the story.

((Hugs))

Mrs.B said...

Thank you for sharing this, I can't wait to read the rest. (o:

Because of Christ,
~Mrs.B

PS.--Thank you for linking to my blog and also to 'Happy Tails', I very much appreciate it. (o:

Jen in MS said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I've personally never suffered with infertility, but I have had friends and family members who have. I look forward to reading more and gaining insight and understanding.

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this. I know it must weigh heavily on your heart. I'll add you to my prayers. God is a God of miracles!

Anna S said...

Bethanie,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to write it. And yes you are right, it's so difficult sometimes if you don't 'fit' into some kind of scenario, for example if you never get married, get married late, or have no children. And, sadly, in our culture - if you have 'too many' children as well...

Bethanie said...

minthegap-I'm positive it does
connie-sorry to hear about your grand daughter
Thanks to all for you positive feedback.

lucy23 said...
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