In case you didn't notice, most of my life has a soundtrack. I have a jukebox in my brain. There are some changes happening. For the past two years I've worked within my home. I've been preparing for a baby. One that's coming any moment now- I just know it. Yeah, well.... Life keeps rolling on. For a couple months now we've been having a hard time with our mortgage company. We tried to refinance our home loan with a local bank. Even though they led us to believe that we were approved, it didn't work out. While they were dragging their feet, my hubby's credit began to lower since we couldn't afford to pay our raised payments. Finally, it became very clear that we were going to have to try and work something out with our original loan. We've been talking to them about taking the escrow out of our payments (we've already got our taxes & insurance coming directly to us now), but they say that there's nothing they can do for us until we get our payments caught up. So, that's what we are doing. We are sending them another check tomorrow and that should have us caught up. Now, if we don't get something worked out with them...... well, we can't afford to pay what they want. So, we either have to sell the house (which I might as well tell you, is impossible) or sign it over to the bank. That would hurt my hubby's credit - but, as I said it is already imperfect now. What does this mean for us? Well, we will have to move. Where? I don't know. I do know that they won't give us a baby if we are homeless. My parents keep telling us that we won't be homeless as long as they are alive. That is comforting. Sort of. Even if we have a home to live in, they still won't give us a baby if we are living with my parents. We have to be able to show that we are responsible and capable of providing for a child. Living with your mommy- isn't doing that. Also, we have to redo our homestudy in August since its been two years. They will do a credit check. So, if they haven't found out that we are homeless, they will find out that our credit isn't as good as it used to be. Another reason not to give us a baby.
Ok. So with all of that explained, I can safely say that there are some serious changes soon to come. Even if we do work something out with them with this house and get everything resolved, we've already decided that we really need to get out of this sink hole. This is not a homeowners pie in the sky right now. Basically, one way or another I see us living somewhere else by Christmas. Renting isn't looking to bad folks. Our dream is to buy some land in the country, around 5 acres or so and putting a double wide on it. Having a pasture with some horses & cows. A barn with some chickens & ducks. A big garden with vegetables and fruit. Yeah, we want to be farmers. I grew up in the country. I know how great it would be to raise a child there. Where it's quiet. I want a porch where I can go out in the morning and read my Bible with a cup of tea and be at peace.
Today I got a job. Like a real one. Outside of my home. At a popular large retail store. More or less, I will be deep frying food all day. Thank God I get to wear gloves. Isn't that precious. *Disgusted Sigh* I know I'm going to be standing there with grease splattering my clothes and wondering how I got to that point. While this battle with our mortgage company goes on, I know we are going to need extra money to pay our regular bills. I was surprised at how easy it was to get a job. I guess it is what God wants me to do right now. I do what I need to do when I need to do it. But, I will be dreaming of the day that I quit. When I can be in my home (where ever it is), rocking my baby to sleep. It's just going to take more work. More prayer. More waiting. More patients. More love. More faith. Oh Lord....... So much more faith.
A few times I've seen it mentioned that one couples infertility eventually, in one way or another affects everyone who cares for them. I believe I've even advised a newby about that before. But, I'm not sure that I really understood the truth of that until today. I would never hurt my family for anything in the world, and I find myself in actual physical pain if any of them are hurting. And yet, today I saw basically all of them hurting and at least part of it was due to infertility. MY infertiltiy. This horrible thing that I carry around inside of me everyday was knawing on my family. And there is nothing that I can do to remove it. I can't loose it, change it, or make it noncomplicated. Infertiltiy is like a disease that infects whole families. I can't tell you the tears that I've spent, and I know that my parents have ached over it too. Now I understand that my brother and his family have suffered for it also. My little brother that I just want to protect from everything. Oh how we have all been affected by this. You have no idea how much I want to control the situation. Some how make everything go away. I want my problem to be my problem only. I've learned to deal with the pain for myself. But, I can't. God made me. He put me with my parents. He created my brother and made me his big sister. He brought his wife to him, way before I had ever given the word "infertility" a second thought. I'm learning more and more that I have no control over anything. Doesn't matter what I want. God set things up exactly as they are. I wish that He hadn't. But, He did. I will never fully understand why God made me this way. I don't think I have the ability to understand why it has to touch my family. All I can do is pray for the majority of the pain to be over soon for all of us(in whatever conclusion that maybe), and to pray for strength. I have no choice but to praise Him in even this too.
Today I participated in my first farmer's market. It wasn't near as big as the one above (just a picture I got online), but it was successful. Last night I baked several dozen chocolate biscotti, cinnamon biscotti, ginger scones, and chocolate chip scones. I packed 5 biscotti per bag (ziplock) and 4 scones per bag and charged $2.00 a bag. Also, my mother baked a pumpkin pie and apple pie. We were cleaned out. I made around $30 (I haven't totalled it up yet). I had a great time and I was thrilled to have been so profitable on my first try. All (except tithe) proceeds go to our adoption fund.
The adoption is getting along slowly but surely. Our next step is our appointment with the marriage therapist which is June 16th.
My husband got a second job. His main job is Monday-Thursday (4- 10 hour shifts) and his new one will be Friday & Saturday (2- 8 to 10 hour shifts). Most of the income from the second job is also going to be saved for the adoption.
It seems like God is really paving the way for us to be able to afford the fees without going into a huge amount of debt.
I can't tell you how much I'm enjoying staying home. I've been watching "little miss" a couple times a week. She's 7 mos. now. She is sitting up, trying to crawl, eating baby food, and saying "Dad Dad Dad", as well as many other vowel sounds. She's a cutie!
More pictures.. I unloaded my camera finally. This is another Little Miss Christmas pic. In case you was wondering, yes thats my arm. Lovely arm isn't it. Thats about as much of me you'll see here.
Adoption update:
Theres an information packet with our name on it in the mail between there and here. I expect it tomorrow. From there we will call and get an appointment to talk over the process. How do I feel: well sort of like we are doing what we are supposed to do. Like its natural. Its weird, but good. It seems very natural. Our first lesson in this process was that Social workers screen their calls.
My last day at work will be next Thursday. I haven't heard any talk of looking for anyone to replace me or anything. I'm not sure what they think they are doing. Perhaps they are in denial. But, I really don't care. I feel very free.
I'm coming to you from my parent's computer. This is probably going to be when I'm most available now. Weekends.
I just finished reading this post @ pearl's gleanings. She is talking of the desire for marriage, but I think it would apply to any desire. Including my desire for children. I love how she explains it... That if a desire for something gains all of our focus then it has become an idol in our life-removing our focus from the Lord which is where it should be. Instead our desire should be to be in God's will. I know I've definitely made my longing for children an obsession at different times. Its unsettling how the enemy can take something so pure like that and use it against you. The pastor mentioned something about this very thing Sunday, and I've been praying the last couple of days that I would have the desires of His heart, instead of mine. My sinful heart betrays me. Doesn't it feel good when you just "get it".
January 2006, One evening we invited my mother over for dinner. We rarely do this, but I had started actually cooking dinner and my husband enjoys having company over. After we ate, she said she wanted to discuss something. A friend from work had a daughter who was pregnant and looking to give up the baby. You don't know how many times I've been offered help like this. When I first found out several woman offered to carry a baby for me. My mother, a friend, etc. Believe me, I never considered it for a second. I just didn't think it was right to ask someone to carry a child and then give it to me. Then there was always, "such and such has a niece that's facing a "un-planned pregnancy"(I hate that phrase, its stupid). However, my mom said that because of all the nice things my mom had told her friend, the woman was thinking specifically of us. We talked it over, a lot. Surprisingly it was my husband who really wanted to pursue it. I was afraid of getting hurt. But, in the end, we both felt that this might be our chance. We relayed the message through my mother that we were interested. A call came a few days later and my mom said that the woman had decided that she for sure wanted us to take the child. She said that the baby was a boy. For two weeks we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off. More information started coming in. The woman was 8 months pregnant, so there wasn't much time. Then we found out that she was in jail. That fact it self didn't matter to us really, but the reason was somewhat unclear. Then we found out that it had something to do with marijuana. Still we remained on board. Then we were told that the father was a secret. Literally, it was a day by day thing. Slowly, it kept becoming more complicated. We saw a lawyer and learned about all the legal stuff. It seemed that everything was going to work in that area. Then we discovered some half-truths. The drug she was in trouble for turned out to be meth. and apparently the woman thought that we were responsible for bailing her out of jail since she was giving us a child. The truth about the woman's character became clear. But, most devastating was it was obvious that we really needed to consider the condition the child would be born in because of the drug abuse. Finally we were told that if the child was born with meth in his system he would be give over to family services right away- it didn't matter that we wanted him. There was a chance that he would be clean- but a small chance. I knew I couldn't deal with this scenario: We go to the hospital to pick up our son only to learn that he had been given to DCF. It would've been the ultimate negative test result. It was so hard....but at the last second we bailed. Everything had just become too unhealthy. Its amazing how much can happen in just a short time. In just three weeks we went from being childless to prospective parents back to childless. The woman gave birth two days after our descion. My sister-in-law was in nursing school at the time. A girl in her class was at the hospital when she delivered. I was thankful to know that the child was born clean. Also she was able to find out that the mother gave the child to some couple in a town nearby. On one hand I believed that our choice was the right one, of course it hurt. I still wonder about him. Sometimes I still have a vision of what I would look like with him in my arms. But, I think about how he must be enriching that other couple's life. No doubt, that may have been our once in a life time chance.
For some infertile couples adoption seems like a natural next step. But, for us it hasn't been that simple. For a long time my husband didn't want to. Then when this came along- I wasn't positive about it. Now neither one of seem to know what we want. Many days I do want to. Then others- it seems like its an unrealistic goal. I still vainly ask myself-"Why can't you just have kids like everybody else". See, I still haven't totally moved on. I have guilt issues. I feel guilty that I can't provide a child for my husband, parents, family, friends. I know they are all tired of wanting me to have/get one. Somedays I'm really sick of being different. Then others, I'm able to feel blessed that its just me and hubby.
Now I wanted to fill in a few blanks.... Here's the website for the infertility/pregnancy loss forum. Its a wonderful support group. If you want to check it out, you can click on "search" at the top of the main page and then type in my nickname "zoebeth" to read all the posts that I wrote. But, I'll remind you that I'm more of a lady now than I was then.
Also, I wanted to mention that I researched my diagnoses fully on my own. For months I read everything that I could read about them on-line. I know more about my body than anyone and more about the way a woman's body works than I ever wanted to. I learned not to just take a doctor's word for it. I admit that I'm not a very good patient, because I don't sit there with a silly grin on my face and say "ok, whatever you say". I expect a doctor to listen to me, and answer the question I have. I don't have time for this "your so smart your God" business. As I said before I took my health into my own hands. The doctor works for me. If he/she isn't want I expect I simply move on to another one. Theres no such thing as a perfect doctor, but I'm not going to put up with any sillyness. I like the doctor I have now because he listens to me and talks to me like I'm as smart as I am, not like I'm stupid and not like a chart.
In comments Jenninms mentioned that she learned to be more sympathetic towards others, and I have to. I've learned to think before I speak and consider what others are going through. I've learned to think about what God thinks in certain situations first before diving into my own madness. Life's hardships are God's teaching tools. And that will wrap this up. Its been very therapeutic for me to share all of this with you, and I thank you for "listening".
Before I dive into another instalment, I just wanted to say thanks for all of the positive feedback, support, and just plain keeping up with me and not getting bored. I promise I will wrap this up soon and move on to autumn thoughts.
People. I've heard it all. Everything from "God's punishing you for your sin" with some underlying reference to my purity (or lack there of according to them) before marriage, to being punished for my parent's sins. I've been asked "Don't you want children?", and been labeled "one of those couples who only want dogs". That most difficult question from an old friend, "Don't you have kids yet?". The truth is that people don't want to hear the truth. If I just reply with a simple "No", then they will follow with the "Why?" question. I know better. Believe me, they don't really want to know. "Well, because I'm unable to have any. I'm infertile". At this point the person will either dodge me by "Oh, well...you know what I gotta go." or they will make that all important discovery/suggestion "You could adopt". I guess people just think that you go to the Baby Bank and pick one out and that's it. No, this whole charade just isn't worth the trouble. If there is a woman reading this and you too are conceptionally challenged and your wondering what answer do you give for said question, its this; "Oh, some of these days" followed by a quick (fake) dreamy smile and change of subject. Its whats good for everyone involved.
I think its important now that I address those who know someone who is infertile. They don't want to talk about it. I mean, if they do, they'll bring it up. If they do, then just let them talk and give them kindness. But, most likely they don't want to talk about it with you whom has three kids and one on the way. So, don't ask. If you, fertile one, come across someone without children-again don't ask. You don't need to know. The best thing to do concerning a very close friend or relative is to pray for them. Let them know your praying for them. If they want to talk, again; let them. But, DO NOT go on and on about how they are young and they have plenty of time to get pregnant or doctors aren't always right or maybe if you stand on your head.... all of that will just upset your loved one. If shes smart she'll yell at you, but if shes like me she will just smile and cry about it later. You know what, I may get yelled at for this one, but I gotta say it anyway...That person may not even want to hear "Its all in God's timing" or some other cliche like that. Believe me, its something she already knows. She may be ready to accept that- or not. Its not your place to give it to her. Hope that wasn't too painful. I'm moving on now.
In between the "Its not about you" and where I'm headed now, theres about 5 months. 5 months of heart ache, healing, confusion, and a lot of yelling. One day we were into it heavy, of course it was about me. I wonder if you've discovered that most of your disagreements with your husband is because its about you. They are. Anyway, he needed to leave for work. But, I was busy running him through the dirt. I remember he grabbed the phone and told me he was going to have my mom come and get me. He told me to get out. I don't blame him. He had been living with a crazy person for about a year. I had been rejecting his intimacy, I wasn't taking care of anything. I was no good, and it was all about me. That evening I didn't leave. When he got home he wouldn't let me into our bed. I probably cried myself to sleep. I remember pleading with God to let my marriage live. I remember waking up the next morning and it was like the light of the day gave me the truth. It seems so simple but I knew that I was wrong. Not just about the way I was treating my husband, but about everything. It was all very wrong. I repented to my husband and promised I would be better. Just as soon as I figured out what that was. I met a woman (because she was infertile) on-line that I could talk to about some private issues, and she let me know that I was to stop rejecting my husband because it is disrespectful. Honestly, I thought that sounded crazy. This was my first step to understanding what womanhood was all about. I had been a part of an infertility forum (stepping stones), so I joined a marriage forum. It helped me to learn to think of my husband over myself. I dug deeper. I came across the Biblical Womanhood blog and it was like feeding me. I went from blog to blog taking in as much as I could. Discovering that I had been so wrong for so long. I mean, it seemed insane to me on one hand. These women who let there husbands tell them what to do. Women who home schooled, women who wore dresses because they thought God wanted them to. Even women who wore stuff on their heads. It was the exact opposite of everything I had ever been told. And I loved it. I knew that it was the right path. At least I knew that the way I had been carrying on wasn't working for me. I was desperate to figure out what worked in marriage and in my life. So, I tried it. My husband must have thought aliens had abducted me. I did a complete turn around. And I've been turning every since. I threw myself into learning what the Bible really had to say. I discovered that I had been taught wrong about many things. Shush... don't tell my mom but I'm a conservative christian. I live for my husband and my home now. I'm one of those woman who not only lets her husband tell her what to do-but I like it when he's bossy. I cook, I clean, I love, I learn; and I mess up. That's the learning part. I know for a fact if God had allowed me to have a child at the time I thought I wanted one, I would have never been as happy as I am now. I don't always think I'm happy. Marriage isn't all about being happy all of the time. But overall, I'm happy. I know my purpose. Everybody needs to understand their God-given role. Those who never do are the ones who were searching their whole life but were unable to see what was in front of them. I found out about my infertility at the exact right time. So that I could go through what I needed to go through to become what God wants me to be. I'm not done yet, but I'm headed down the right road.
I think I might have a little more to say...but it'll have to wait until Thursday.
Even with all the heart ache, we were still trying to conceive. We had decided not to get involved with fertility treatments, but we were still actively trying. It seemed like I took a pregnancy test at least once a week. Now, I think those things are fine. But for a woman who is driving herself crazy over conception, they are like a drug. I remember the last one I took, there was a line or a circle in every box. I hate home pregnancy tests for infertile women. They shouldn't touch them. Its just another way to beat yourself up. Every negative was like a death, and I had many. I was still going to the doctor that did my surgery. My monthly was almost non-existent. My cycle was so messed up from being on the pill for so long. But, every time I went to that doctor, she wanted to test me. In the end I got smart. My final pregnancy test I requested a blood test. I was tired of sharing my urine with everyone. I remember waiting with my mother for the results. When it came back negative, I explained to the doctor that it would be my last test because she wasn't going to poke me every time I came. My insurance wouldn't pay for that. In a way, that was my first step to some peace. No more wondering, no more let down. In late winter-early spring 2004 I bought The Purpose Driven Life. I'm not about to promote Rick Warren or his ministry. I don't think he is God, nor will he ever be. But, God did speak to me through his book. Yes, I believe God can use even Rick Warren occasionally. The first line of his book is this, "Its not about you!". In return I replied, "Well then who's it about?!". That's really what I needed to discover. Who or what was my life going to be about. If I wasn't going to be a mother, then what? Its amazing that I had such a wonderful man in front of me all the time, and I never considered that he was what my life was about. But, it took me a while to see it. Even then. Just that line, "Its not about you!" started me on a quest to figure out whom it was about. Anyway, on and on the emotional roller coaster went. As time went on, mostly, it got a little easier. As I accepted that facts. We stopped being so serious about conception, and I had to accept that I may never conceive. I still believe in miracles. I couldn't get along without them. If God wants to open my womb, He can. With Him, I could carry twins. If it was His plan for me. But, so far infertility is His plan. I would think I might be getting over it and then suddenly something would trigger the sadness. Yes, at some point I moved onto sadness. Infertility is something that you can never have closure from. Its always with me. I have scares on my stomach to remind me. Empty arms to remind me. Quite nights to remind me. People to remind me (as if I needed it). Oh the people can be cruel.
Continued Tuesday.
The first time I went to the fertility specialist was December 30, 2003. I managed to crutch around in there. My brother took me. That was weird to say the least. When the nurse called me back to the doctor's room she said, "Your husband can come too". It was embarrasing to both of us. This was just a consultation. He seemed like a nice man. The meeting lasted just a few minutes. He told me he was scheduling me for the big test, and the next step would be fertility pills and they would want to test my husband. I hated the thought of that. If there was going to be any problems, then I wanted them to be with me. At the end of January we went back for the test. Its such a long name. On the inferitlity forum they say HSG. What they do is insert a cathedar, inject dye, and look at your reproductive organs. The put air in your belly to see things better, and thats the painful part. I was so nervous. Overall, the test wasn't that bad for me. Sometimes other women have a harder time with it. After it was over with, the doctor confirmed my UU. He also officially diagnosed me with PCOS and an incompetant cervix. He talked a lot. You know that "deer in the headlights" feeling you get when face to face with a doctor. I don't remember most of what he said. But, there was one thing that stuck with both of us. He said that because my uterus is small, if I could get pregnant I would miscarry a couple of times before I could carry to term. My uterus would stretch out some with each pregnancy. The way he presented this was that those pregnancies were just practice. On the way home we talked a lot. We both knew it just wasn't for us. A child is too important just to be practice. That showed us what the feritility field is like. Pregnancy at all costs! I never went back. After I got my diagnosis, and my foot was healed, it was time for me to deal with everything. Maybe its just my nature I don't know, but my first response to most things is to be angry. They say there is a system to grief and that everyone does the steps in a different order. I was angry. At everyone! Of course the person that suffered most from my rage was my husband. Next came God. I couldn't understand why He would allow this. The UU is a birth defect. When the female is still in the womb, her uterus forms wrong. So, I came out this way. I walked around for years thinking I was perfectly normal in that way. When I started my own research it was called an anomoly. Its really strange to be told that you have a rare condition. I started to see myself differently. Like I was broken. Defective. It was a very dark time of being hurt and hurting others. Not once did I consider that it was all a part of God's plan. In fact, I didn't consider God at all except to lash out at Him when the pain got overwelming. My dad would say that I was madder than an old wet hen. I thought it was a perfect injustice. A friend of mine had a miscarriage. I was way more upset about it than I had a right to be. I guess I thought God was being mean to her too. When I spoke to her about it she told me that everything was alright because God was in control. I thought she was crazy. I just knew that she had to be as angry about her injustice as I was about mine. It was hard to get used to everything. Everywhere I looked there was baby stuff, children, pregnant women. It was a big change for my family. My parents had to deal with it too. I couldn't see past myself at the time, but I know it was hard for everyone close around me.
Continued Thursday
I've been busy at work today. But, I'm going to try and continue here.
The following days are pretty blury. I think I was numb. I'm not sure when I recovered from my surgery. Because of my foot, I wasn't too concerned about the holes in my belly. I was on vicodine. The interesting thing about vicodine is that it doesn't really take away the pain, but it sure does make you not care. I call it "the fog". I was in and out of the fog for weeks. Thanksgiving and Christmas came and went. I don't remember a thing about them. After about two weeks, I left my mother's house and went home. At the time my husband worked nights. So, for 10 hours a day I would need someone to stay with me. I remember my brother stayed with me a lot. Now that I'm thinking about it I'm not sure who else did. I'll have to ask. My husband took care of everything. Up until then I had been taking care of the bills. Also, he had to keep up with the house. He was great! I'm not sure how long I was on the pain killers. One day I was watching Dr. Phil and he had a woman on his show who was addicted to vicodine. I took my last one that day. Which is when the fog cleared. But, I was still unable to fully process what had happened until I was done healing. After I stopped taking the vicodine I could stay at home by myself. With my wheel chair I could get around the house on my own and I came up with some creative ways of doing things. Because I started with the wheel chair I didn't really learn how to crutch well. Thats a lot harder than it looks. All together I was layed up for 8 weeks. After that I had physical therapy. It was the end of January before I could put both shoes on and walk without limping. Just in time for the big test at the Fertility place.
Continued on Tuesday.
November 11, 2003 we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. November 12, 2003 was my post-op appt. My mother took me. The hospital had 3 different parking areas. We had to park in the one farthest away from the door. As we were walking towards the door, we had to cross a muddy area because of some construction. I began to step down from the curb and tripped, slipped, or just plan fell. Neither of us know for sure. Thankfully my first impulse was to remove my shoe and sock. My foot began to swell instantly. My mom being the soccer mom type tried to tell me to walk it off. I knew by the pain that there was no way I was going to stand up. I suppose I was crying, I'm not sure. A paramedic walked over from his ambulance and asked if we needed help. He picked me up and carried me inside. I remember he asked me how old I was and he commented that he was younger than me. I was used to it since I look young for my age. Now, this is where things get a little hazy. I didn't wait long before some nice lady came in with a yummy little shot of something to ease the pain. I recall someone saying that they would've had to cut my shoe off of me. My foot got three times its normal size. I kind of remember some x-rays. Then there was a trip to an Orthopedic doctor. More x-rays. Finally, I was told that my foot was broken. Theres a bone that runs from you little toe to your ankle, perhaps there are some other connections in there, but anyway, around about in that area. Thankfully I didn't get a cast. Instead I had to wear an air boot. It was the ugliest thing I ever saw. I would slip my foot in as best I could, tighten the straps, and push a little button to fill the bottom and sides with air. Sort of suspending my foot in cushions. My toes stuck out the end. However, it ment I could take it off and shower. I never did get to my post-op appt. But, my doctor decided that she would still do the surgery. I went back to that hospital early the next morning. I was nervous. I remember waking up before they brought me into the recovery room. I was alone. I'm sure they expected me to be out longer. I was shaking from the anesthia and morphine. I thought I was convulsing. I was so cold. Above everything else I felt angry. I don't know why, but if I'ld had the strength and both feet I would have walked right out of there right then. Then, I guess I went back out. When I came too again my mom and husband were standing over me. There was a nurse also near by. Everybody looked pathetic. My body was still shaking and at first I thought maybe I was dead. By the looks of everyone there was something to be sad about. I'm not sure of the exact things being said. I remember the nurse saying that I may never be able to have children. She was standing on my right. My mother, to my left, began to argue with the nurse (she didn't want me to know yet). I could see my husband through my tears, pacing back and forth at my feet. I have to tell you that I balled like a baby. Good and loud. If the entire floor didn't know that I was unhappy then they were deaf. Thinking about it now, I doubt that I fully understood what she had told me. In fact 2 days later I had to have my mom tell me again. From there I was horrible. They told me I couldn't leave until I used the rest room. I demanded that someone take me right away. I wanted to get out of there. I forced myself to "go". Soon I was in the car on my way home, but it was even worse. I remember some of what I said. But, it was like someone else was talking. I believe I told my husband to leave me. That I was moving back in with my parents. Many hurtful things. I used language that I would never have dreamed of useing. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I remember my dad was at home when we got to my parent's house, he carried me. I'm not sure when I stopped ranting. I remember though, that I got quiet enough that I could hear someone breathing (it was me) and I was halucinating. Probably from the morphine. At some point there was a wheel chair next to me. Because I had three insissions in my stomach it hurt to much to crutch. I could use it to wheel myself to the bathroom. Then I could shuffle on my good foot to the toliet. And that was pretty well all I could do for myself. Unless you've been laid up, you have no idea what it means to need someone. Someone for almost everything. Things are pretty hazy for...I guess 2 days. I remember my mother giving me a bath. Don't get me wrong-physically I probably could've managed once I had everything I needed brought to me. But, I couldn't do it by myself. Between the drugs and my emotions I was truely pathetic. We both cried. Like I said, 2 days later I woke up a little clearer. I asked my mom to explain everything. This is the first conversation about my infertility that I could really take in. She told me that the doctor removed the cysts, but that while she was in there she saw that my uterus was malformed. I would need to go to a fertility specialist to confirm it, but she had seen the doctors pictures. She called it a unicornuate uterus. ( I'll let you do your own research).
If you haven't jumped on the wagon with this challenge, then get on over there and see what you can do about that. 
click on the pic. to learn more about Great DanesTerri asked:
"Oh, Bethanie! I can relate! May I ask why your husband wants you to continue working? You may have addressed this in an earlier post and I might have missed it. "
I looked back through some of my old posts on the subject and realized that I didn't address it.
I guess it boils down to the fact that he feels its normal. We were both brought up by hard working women. Outside of the home working women. On one hand, my mother chose a career. She went through 6 years of schooling, and worked her way up to being some sort of coordinator of something. But, my mother-in-law was a single mother who was forced to make things run on her own. She worked sometimes 3 jobs, doing whatever she could to make ends meet. Neither one of our mother's were the homemaking type. Theres a funny story:
I took home ec. in highschool. The first semester, for the normal girl, is pretty basic. You learn to cook the basic things. Biscuits, pie crust, waffles. When the teacher announced that we would be making waffles, I raised my hand and asked how we were going to do that when she had no toaster in the kitchen. My mom still thinks that story is funny. She tells it to people often, as if shes proud that her daughter honestly thought waffles only came frozen. You can also imagine how surprised I was to hear you could make pudding from scratch.
Anyway, I started this job because we had so many medical bills at the time. It was just after I broke my foot and everything. With the job we were able to get out from under that debt in just a year. So, I'm grateful that I got it. But, why am I still doing it? I guess because thats the way we were brought up. I know that if I did quit to stay at home, then we would get a lot of flack from our parents. My mother-in-law would say that I was lazy, as if she needed another reason to dislike me. And my mom would think something like, "My son-in-law made my daughter quit her job so she can be at home serving him" as if that were a bad thing. If we had children it might be different, or at least from my mother-in-laws side. But, we don't and may never. Still, even without a child, I feel the strong desire to keep my home. Its true that this job is only 3 hours out of my day. But its more than that. It takes up so much of my emotional time. I try so hard to separate everything, to compartmentalize. But, my work stress carries over into my home work. I hate feeling pulled away from my home, to serve others. Other wives's husbands. However, I will do it until.... Every woman has her hardships, this is one of mine. I shall be rewarded for being obedient, eventually.
when I realllllllly want to quit my job. About 30 minutes ago my "authority figure" dumped meals on wheels on me. Meals on wheels is a community service where they take meals to shut ins. The churchs in the area are supposed to help deliver. The past two years I've tried to organize this myself. Last year it was almost impossible to get members to agree to help. This year I refused to take this on myself, since it isn't my responsiblity to begin with, so I involved the temporary leader (we are without a pastor so this would be our head Deacon). Three weeks ago he said, "We'll ask for volunteers and if we don't get any then we will get out of it". Today he comes to me without any volunteers, wanting me to arrange everything. Our commitment starts TOMMARROW! Translation: I have to harass people into agreeing to this at short notice. So far I've had no luck.
I'm so tierd of getting stuck with the run-off. Everything, eventually, ends up in my lap.
I'm seriously feeling sick about this.
Please pray for me this evening, as I again appeal to my husband to allow me to quit. I just can not put up with this nonsense anymore.
I brought in the new year exactly like I wanted-lying asleep next to my husband. Hubby had to work, so it was just another day. Sunday evening I made sausage and saurkrote(sp?) and Monday I made Corned Beef and Cabbage (I'll post the recipe seperatly). For several years Hubby has mentioned that his mom always made these dishes when he was a kid and this year was the first year I had the guts to try it. They are supposed bring you good luck and prosperity for the coming year. I learned something important- I don't care for cabbage or vinager.
I had the day off "work" yestarday and it was so nice to stay home and take care of what matters most. I cleaned and organized to my hearts content. Hubby came home early from work and he helped put away what few Christmas decorations I had up.
While putting away the mountain of clean clothes- I asked the age old question, "Honey, could I please quit my job and stay home." As you can very well guess the answer was "no". So I'm still waiting. Things would be easier if we (hubby and I) had been raised differently.
I've mentioned a couple of times before that my brother and his wife are trying to start a family. Well, they rang in the new year in the e.r. She is having some.... "women's issues". Without going into to detail-I just wanted to ask you to pray for them. I know that my sister-in-law feels some pressure in this area. She maybe my mother's only hope for biological grandchildren, and thats a lot of stress on them.
Monday I had this really great post typed out about our second dog Mo, and blogger lost the whole thing. I couldn't even copy it to save it in Word. I was so frustrated! I'll try to rewrite the post next week and continue highlighting our pets.
Tuesday I got to play house wife. Hubby's ride wasn't going to work so he took the car and told me I could play hooky from work.
Wednesday, yestarday, I was busy. Then I left early to go do some running around with my sister-in-law. I was excited to find out that she and my brother are still not preventing conception. She is beyond excited and I'm hopeing they get their miracle soon. Soon....Soon....I maybe an aunt!
Today I brought my christmas project to work with me-because I don't have a pencil sharpener at home. So I'll be working on that.
Real quick I'll let you in on my good news. My "authority figure" here at work came to me a couple of weeks ago and presented me with a purposal for the church's new budget for the year. The area that concerned me was he said the church would not be able to afford my salary and a full-time pastor. I spoke to hubby about it and he said that if they let me go.................I can stay home! The church voted to approve the new budget last Sunday. When the committee finds us a new pastor, then I get to go home. Of course hubby has the right to change his mind. So far, though he seems commited to it. I'm hopeing I can get home before Christmas.
