The Desire of My Heart6

Before I dive into another instalment, I just wanted to say thanks for all of the positive feedback, support, and just plain keeping up with me and not getting bored. I promise I will wrap this up soon and move on to autumn thoughts.

People. I've heard it all. Everything from "God's punishing you for your sin" with some underlying reference to my purity (or lack there of according to them) before marriage, to being punished for my parent's sins. I've been asked "Don't you want children?", and been labeled "one of those couples who only want dogs". That most difficult question from an old friend, "Don't you have kids yet?". The truth is that people don't want to hear the truth. If I just reply with a simple "No", then they will follow with the "Why?" question. I know better. Believe me, they don't really want to know. "Well, because I'm unable to have any. I'm infertile". At this point the person will either dodge me by "Oh, well...you know what I gotta go." or they will make that all important discovery/suggestion "You could adopt". I guess people just think that you go to the Baby Bank and pick one out and that's it. No, this whole charade just isn't worth the trouble. If there is a woman reading this and you too are conceptionally challenged and your wondering what answer do you give for said question, its this; "Oh, some of these days" followed by a quick (fake) dreamy smile and change of subject. Its whats good for everyone involved.

I think its important now that I address those who know someone who is infertile. They don't want to talk about it. I mean, if they do, they'll bring it up. If they do, then just let them talk and give them kindness. But, most likely they don't want to talk about it with you whom has three kids and one on the way. So, don't ask. If you, fertile one, come across someone without children-again don't ask. You don't need to know. The best thing to do concerning a very close friend or relative is to pray for them. Let them know your praying for them. If they want to talk, again; let them. But, DO NOT go on and on about how they are young and they have plenty of time to get pregnant or doctors aren't always right or maybe if you stand on your head.... all of that will just upset your loved one. If shes smart she'll yell at you, but if shes like me she will just smile and cry about it later. You know what, I may get yelled at for this one, but I gotta say it anyway...That person may not even want to hear "Its all in God's timing" or some other cliche like that. Believe me, its something she already knows. She may be ready to accept that- or not. Its not your place to give it to her. Hope that wasn't too painful. I'm moving on now.

In between the "Its not about you" and where I'm headed now, theres about 5 months. 5 months of heart ache, healing, confusion, and a lot of yelling. One day we were into it heavy, of course it was about me. I wonder if you've discovered that most of your disagreements with your husband is because its about you. They are. Anyway, he needed to leave for work. But, I was busy running him through the dirt. I remember he grabbed the phone and told me he was going to have my mom come and get me. He told me to get out. I don't blame him. He had been living with a crazy person for about a year. I had been rejecting his intimacy, I wasn't taking care of anything. I was no good, and it was all about me. That evening I didn't leave. When he got home he wouldn't let me into our bed. I probably cried myself to sleep. I remember pleading with God to let my marriage live. I remember waking up the next morning and it was like the light of the day gave me the truth. It seems so simple but I knew that I was wrong. Not just about the way I was treating my husband, but about everything. It was all very wrong. I repented to my husband and promised I would be better. Just as soon as I figured out what that was. I met a woman (because she was infertile) on-line that I could talk to about some private issues, and she let me know that I was to stop rejecting my husband because it is disrespectful. Honestly, I thought that sounded crazy. This was my first step to understanding what womanhood was all about. I had been a part of an infertility forum (stepping stones), so I joined a marriage forum. It helped me to learn to think of my husband over myself. I dug deeper. I came across the Biblical Womanhood blog and it was like feeding me. I went from blog to blog taking in as much as I could. Discovering that I had been so wrong for so long. I mean, it seemed insane to me on one hand. These women who let there husbands tell them what to do. Women who home schooled, women who wore dresses because they thought God wanted them to. Even women who wore stuff on their heads. It was the exact opposite of everything I had ever been told. And I loved it. I knew that it was the right path. At least I knew that the way I had been carrying on wasn't working for me. I was desperate to figure out what worked in marriage and in my life. So, I tried it. My husband must have thought aliens had abducted me. I did a complete turn around. And I've been turning every since. I threw myself into learning what the Bible really had to say. I discovered that I had been taught wrong about many things. Shush... don't tell my mom but I'm a conservative christian. I live for my husband and my home now. I'm one of those woman who not only lets her husband tell her what to do-but I like it when he's bossy. I cook, I clean, I love, I learn; and I mess up. That's the learning part. I know for a fact if God had allowed me to have a child at the time I thought I wanted one, I would have never been as happy as I am now. I don't always think I'm happy. Marriage isn't all about being happy all of the time. But overall, I'm happy. I know my purpose. Everybody needs to understand their God-given role. Those who never do are the ones who were searching their whole life but were unable to see what was in front of them. I found out about my infertility at the exact right time. So that I could go through what I needed to go through to become what God wants me to be. I'm not done yet, but I'm headed down the right road.
I think I might have a little more to say...but it'll have to wait until Thursday.