The Desire of My Heart5

Even with all the heart ache, we were still trying to conceive. We had decided not to get involved with fertility treatments, but we were still actively trying. It seemed like I took a pregnancy test at least once a week. Now, I think those things are fine. But for a woman who is driving herself crazy over conception, they are like a drug. I remember the last one I took, there was a line or a circle in every box. I hate home pregnancy tests for infertile women. They shouldn't touch them. Its just another way to beat yourself up. Every negative was like a death, and I had many. I was still going to the doctor that did my surgery. My monthly was almost non-existent. My cycle was so messed up from being on the pill for so long. But, every time I went to that doctor, she wanted to test me. In the end I got smart. My final pregnancy test I requested a blood test. I was tired of sharing my urine with everyone. I remember waiting with my mother for the results. When it came back negative, I explained to the doctor that it would be my last test because she wasn't going to poke me every time I came. My insurance wouldn't pay for that. In a way, that was my first step to some peace. No more wondering, no more let down. In late winter-early spring 2004 I bought The Purpose Driven Life. I'm not about to promote Rick Warren or his ministry. I don't think he is God, nor will he ever be. But, God did speak to me through his book. Yes, I believe God can use even Rick Warren occasionally. The first line of his book is this, "Its not about you!". In return I replied, "Well then who's it about?!". That's really what I needed to discover. Who or what was my life going to be about. If I wasn't going to be a mother, then what? Its amazing that I had such a wonderful man in front of me all the time, and I never considered that he was what my life was about. But, it took me a while to see it. Even then. Just that line, "Its not about you!" started me on a quest to figure out whom it was about. Anyway, on and on the emotional roller coaster went. As time went on, mostly, it got a little easier. As I accepted that facts. We stopped being so serious about conception, and I had to accept that I may never conceive. I still believe in miracles. I couldn't get along without them. If God wants to open my womb, He can. With Him, I could carry twins. If it was His plan for me. But, so far infertility is His plan. I would think I might be getting over it and then suddenly something would trigger the sadness. Yes, at some point I moved onto sadness. Infertility is something that you can never have closure from. Its always with me. I have scares on my stomach to remind me. Empty arms to remind me. Quite nights to remind me. People to remind me (as if I needed it). Oh the people can be cruel.
Continued Tuesday.