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Thursday, September 06, 2007

The Desire of My Heart5

Even with all the heart ache, we were still trying to conceive. We had decided not to get involved with fertility treatments, but we were still actively trying. It seemed like I took a pregnancy test at least once a week. Now, I think those things are fine. But for a woman who is driving herself crazy over conception, they are like a drug. I remember the last one I took, there was a line or a circle in every box. I hate home pregnancy tests for infertile women. They shouldn't touch them. Its just another way to beat yourself up. Every negative was like a death, and I had many. I was still going to the doctor that did my surgery. My monthly was almost non-existent. My cycle was so messed up from being on the pill for so long. But, every time I went to that doctor, she wanted to test me. In the end I got smart. My final pregnancy test I requested a blood test. I was tired of sharing my urine with everyone. I remember waiting with my mother for the results. When it came back negative, I explained to the doctor that it would be my last test because she wasn't going to poke me every time I came. My insurance wouldn't pay for that. In a way, that was my first step to some peace. No more wondering, no more let down. In late winter-early spring 2004 I bought The Purpose Driven Life. I'm not about to promote Rick Warren or his ministry. I don't think he is God, nor will he ever be. But, God did speak to me through his book. Yes, I believe God can use even Rick Warren occasionally. The first line of his book is this, "Its not about you!". In return I replied, "Well then who's it about?!". That's really what I needed to discover. Who or what was my life going to be about. If I wasn't going to be a mother, then what? Its amazing that I had such a wonderful man in front of me all the time, and I never considered that he was what my life was about. But, it took me a while to see it. Even then. Just that line, "Its not about you!" started me on a quest to figure out whom it was about. Anyway, on and on the emotional roller coaster went. As time went on, mostly, it got a little easier. As I accepted that facts. We stopped being so serious about conception, and I had to accept that I may never conceive. I still believe in miracles. I couldn't get along without them. If God wants to open my womb, He can. With Him, I could carry twins. If it was His plan for me. But, so far infertility is His plan. I would think I might be getting over it and then suddenly something would trigger the sadness. Yes, at some point I moved onto sadness. Infertility is something that you can never have closure from. Its always with me. I have scares on my stomach to remind me. Empty arms to remind me. Quite nights to remind me. People to remind me (as if I needed it). Oh the people can be cruel.
Continued Tuesday.


Jen in MS said...

Would you believe that The Purpose Driven Life and that first line, "It's not about you." is what began my healing after I lost my baby?! I had been a Christian for a long time and had done many extensive Bible studies. I still trusted God some how in my deep pain, but I was craving more. I felt that God was so far from me and I was suffering. When I read those first lines, a light bulb went off. And then the chapter about when God feels distant. I needed to hear that.

I still cringe a little when I hear negatives about Rick Warren and the book (not that I think he is perfect or anything), but I have a fondness to how God lead me to pick up a book that I thought would be "nothing new" for me and He used that book to get me out of a deep depression.

I just got goose bumps reading your story! And you are so right in that God is a God of miracles! There is a baby for you! It's just hard waiting isn't it?

Mary said...

This segment of the story has ministry written all over it. I wish you could get it into the hands of more hurting and infertile women. I especially love the part about what you gleaned from Rick Warren's book. And that you weren't there yet, as far as seeing your wonderful dh, but you came to it. You have such a great testimony, Bethanie.

Anonymous said...

I am 52 and I think that I understand what you have gone through, and are still going through. You are right, the Lord has a plan for your life.

I do think that you might benefit from more health advice from a professional. I have pcos and found out about it when I was very young. (18) I went through years of treatment, but that was before things have been improved so much.

My advice to you is to excersize regularly and eat healthy foods. This is taking care of the body that God has given you. I am saying this from experience.



Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feeling. I know that they will be a blessing to many. I find you so courageous to put them into words. May God bless you and give you the desires of your heart. connie from Texas

Bethanie said...

jeninms- Well, its a small world and God does what works. Waiting is the hardest.
Mary- "wink"
anonymous- thanks for your comment
Connie- thanks

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