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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Desire of My Heart4

The first time I went to the fertility specialist was December 30, 2003. I managed to crutch around in there. My brother took me. That was weird to say the least. When the nurse called me back to the doctor's room she said, "Your husband can come too". It was embarrasing to both of us. This was just a consultation. He seemed like a nice man. The meeting lasted just a few minutes. He told me he was scheduling me for the big test, and the next step would be fertility pills and they would want to test my husband. I hated the thought of that. If there was going to be any problems, then I wanted them to be with me. At the end of January we went back for the test. Its such a long name. On the inferitlity forum they say HSG. What they do is insert a cathedar, inject dye, and look at your reproductive organs. The put air in your belly to see things better, and thats the painful part. I was so nervous. Overall, the test wasn't that bad for me. Sometimes other women have a harder time with it. After it was over with, the doctor confirmed my UU. He also officially diagnosed me with PCOS and an incompetant cervix. He talked a lot. You know that "deer in the headlights" feeling you get when face to face with a doctor. I don't remember most of what he said. But, there was one thing that stuck with both of us. He said that because my uterus is small, if I could get pregnant I would miscarry a couple of times before I could carry to term. My uterus would stretch out some with each pregnancy. The way he presented this was that those pregnancies were just practice. On the way home we talked a lot. We both knew it just wasn't for us. A child is too important just to be practice. That showed us what the feritility field is like. Pregnancy at all costs! I never went back. After I got my diagnosis, and my foot was healed, it was time for me to deal with everything. Maybe its just my nature I don't know, but my first response to most things is to be angry. They say there is a system to grief and that everyone does the steps in a different order. I was angry. At everyone! Of course the person that suffered most from my rage was my husband. Next came God. I couldn't understand why He would allow this. The UU is a birth defect. When the female is still in the womb, her uterus forms wrong. So, I came out this way. I walked around for years thinking I was perfectly normal in that way. When I started my own research it was called an anomoly. Its really strange to be told that you have a rare condition. I started to see myself differently. Like I was broken. Defective. It was a very dark time of being hurt and hurting others. Not once did I consider that it was all a part of God's plan. In fact, I didn't consider God at all except to lash out at Him when the pain got overwelming. My dad would say that I was madder than an old wet hen. I thought it was a perfect injustice. A friend of mine had a miscarriage. I was way more upset about it than I had a right to be. I guess I thought God was being mean to her too. When I spoke to her about it she told me that everything was alright because God was in control. I thought she was crazy. I just knew that she had to be as angry about her injustice as I was about mine. It was hard to get used to everything. Everywhere I looked there was baby stuff, children, pregnant women. It was a big change for my family. My parents had to deal with it too. I couldn't see past myself at the time, but I know it was hard for everyone close around me.
Continued Thursday


brandy said...

I'm glad you're sharing your story and I've been checking back every week to read the next installment. Good for you for deciding not to have "practice" babies!

I hope you're doing well and I love your new fall theme!

Jen in MS said...

I just wanted you to know that I read and am looking forward to reading more of your journey.

Mary said...

What a hard thing to hear, that pregnancy was possible but at the cost of several miscarriages...

My cousin had the same thing, only the dr's told her it was impossible for her to carry to term because her uterus wouldn't expand once the pg got to 3 mos. She lost around 5 babies before carrying the next two to term. Her sons have autism and ADHD, and terrible health problems. This was ten-fifteen years ago. It sounds to me like exactly what the dr's were telling you, only they were up front about the miscarriage part.

You and your husband have my utmost respect for your decision. I'm so sorry it turned out that way though.

Bethanie said...

Brandy, I'm pretty good.
jeninms, thanks for keeping up.
Mary, thats the really cruel thing about UU, pregnancy is possible but I could even face a loss as far as the third trimester.

Anonymous said...

I can certainly understand a little the anger you felt. I had the same anger, mad at God, the world and just so sad when I miscarried a few years ago. Did NOT understand why God would even allow me to get pregnant only to let me miscarry? I still don't understand, but thankful the Lord is longsuffering and waited for me to grieve. Thank you for sharing your story.

Bethanie said...

thanks for your comments Amanda.

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