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Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Desire of My Heart7

January 2006, One evening we invited my mother over for dinner. We rarely do this, but I had started actually cooking dinner and my husband enjoys having company over. After we ate, she said she wanted to discuss something. A friend from work had a daughter who was pregnant and looking to give up the baby. You don't know how many times I've been offered help like this. When I first found out several woman offered to carry a baby for me. My mother, a friend, etc. Believe me, I never considered it for a second. I just didn't think it was right to ask someone to carry a child and then give it to me. Then there was always, "such and such has a niece that's facing a "un-planned pregnancy"(I hate that phrase, its stupid). However, my mom said that because of all the nice things my mom had told her friend, the woman was thinking specifically of us. We talked it over, a lot. Surprisingly it was my husband who really wanted to pursue it. I was afraid of getting hurt. But, in the end, we both felt that this might be our chance. We relayed the message through my mother that we were interested. A call came a few days later and my mom said that the woman had decided that she for sure wanted us to take the child. She said that the baby was a boy. For two weeks we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off. More information started coming in. The woman was 8 months pregnant, so there wasn't much time. Then we found out that she was in jail. That fact it self didn't matter to us really, but the reason was somewhat unclear. Then we found out that it had something to do with marijuana. Still we remained on board. Then we were told that the father was a secret. Literally, it was a day by day thing. Slowly, it kept becoming more complicated. We saw a lawyer and learned about all the legal stuff. It seemed that everything was going to work in that area. Then we discovered some half-truths. The drug she was in trouble for turned out to be meth. and apparently the woman thought that we were responsible for bailing her out of jail since she was giving us a child. The truth about the woman's character became clear. But, most devastating was it was obvious that we really needed to consider the condition the child would be born in because of the drug abuse. Finally we were told that if the child was born with meth in his system he would be give over to family services right away- it didn't matter that we wanted him. There was a chance that he would be clean- but a small chance. I knew I couldn't deal with this scenario: We go to the hospital to pick up our son only to learn that he had been given to DCF. It would've been the ultimate negative test result. It was so hard....but at the last second we bailed. Everything had just become too unhealthy. Its amazing how much can happen in just a short time. In just three weeks we went from being childless to prospective parents back to childless. The woman gave birth two days after our descion. My sister-in-law was in nursing school at the time. A girl in her class was at the hospital when she delivered. I was thankful to know that the child was born clean. Also she was able to find out that the mother gave the child to some couple in a town nearby. On one hand I believed that our choice was the right one, of course it hurt. I still wonder about him. Sometimes I still have a vision of what I would look like with him in my arms. But, I think about how he must be enriching that other couple's life. No doubt, that may have been our once in a life time chance.
For some infertile couples adoption seems like a natural next step. But, for us it hasn't been that simple. For a long time my husband didn't want to. Then when this came along- I wasn't positive about it. Now neither one of seem to know what we want. Many days I do want to. Then others- it seems like its an unrealistic goal. I still vainly ask myself-"Why can't you just have kids like everybody else". See, I still haven't totally moved on. I have guilt issues. I feel guilty that I can't provide a child for my husband, parents, family, friends. I know they are all tired of wanting me to have/get one. Somedays I'm really sick of being different. Then others, I'm able to feel blessed that its just me and hubby.
Now I wanted to fill in a few blanks.... Here's the website for the infertility/pregnancy loss forum. Its a wonderful support group. If you want to check it out, you can click on "search" at the top of the main page and then type in my nickname "zoebeth" to read all the posts that I wrote. But, I'll remind you that I'm more of a lady now than I was then.
Also, I wanted to mention that I researched my diagnoses fully on my own. For months I read everything that I could read about them on-line. I know more about my body than anyone and more about the way a woman's body works than I ever wanted to. I learned not to just take a doctor's word for it. I admit that I'm not a very good patient, because I don't sit there with a silly grin on my face and say "ok, whatever you say". I expect a doctor to listen to me, and answer the question I have. I don't have time for this "your so smart your God" business. As I said before I took my health into my own hands. The doctor works for me. If he/she isn't want I expect I simply move on to another one. Theres no such thing as a perfect doctor, but I'm not going to put up with any sillyness. I like the doctor I have now because he listens to me and talks to me like I'm as smart as I am, not like I'm stupid and not like a chart.
In comments Jenninms mentioned that she learned to be more sympathetic towards others, and I have to. I've learned to think before I speak and consider what others are going through. I've learned to think about what God thinks in certain situations first before diving into my own madness. Life's hardships are God's teaching tools. And that will wrap this up. Its been very therapeutic for me to share all of this with you, and I thank you for "listening".


Ron and Ginny said...

Well, I have followed your story. We are childless, also. And people have hurt me over the years, too. There are many similarities between our two stories, like an adoption horror story. Needless to say, we did not adopt and probably won't. Thank you for sharing. :-D I'm glad that you are able to praise the Lord in spite of it all. I'm glad that I can, too. :-D

In Christ,


brandy said...

Thank you, Bethanie, for telling us your difficult story. It was such a blessing.

rohanknitter said...

Wow that had to be really rough.
From what I can see, the path of adoption looks like the ultimate emotional roller-coaster. (not that it wouldn't be worth it, but I'm sure it's not easy)

Machine Gun Kelli said...

Hi...I just read your blog for the first time, and this was a powerful post. I just wanted to say that if you ever DO feel as if adoption is in God's will for you, and you consider it, it is a wonderful option. I was adopted when I was six months old through a Christian agency, and I can honestly say it was the best thing that ever happened to me. (My adoptive mother was also infertile, although I'm not sure on the reasons). Anyway, I hope everything works out for you and your husband.


Melody said...


I've enjoyed reading through your desire of my heart always amazes me to read through other womens' journey as they deal with infertility (we've gone through it too).

I wanted to share another great infertility message board with you - it's You can read more about the site at If you do join, my username there is joy. I've been a member there for about 5 years now, and it amazes me how much encouragement the ladies have been there!

Jen in MS said...

Thanks again for sharing this intimate part of your life. I'm glad that it has added further to your healing.
Just know that you have friends praying with you for your miracle!

Bethanie said...

Ginny- and I'm glad you can too..too.
Brandy- thats what I'm here for.
rohanknitter- Hopefully one day I might find out.
Kelli- thanks for your comment.
Melody- yes, I've visited there. Thanks for adding the link.
Jeninms-same to you.

Anonymous said...

You've really been through it...I'm so sorry but was encouraged by your story to always be considerate. I don't feel like I've ever done/said anything hurtful but I was thankful you included suggestions for talking (or rather not talking) with people you know struggling with this. Great series.

Bethanie said...

Amanda, I'm glad that you read through it all. It was something that I needed to do and I'm still glad that I did.

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