Sarah's Laughter (IF Support)

I've been getting emails from this site for about a week now.  It is really uplifting and I encourage all who are delaing with infertility and/or child loss to check the sit out.  Here's an excerpt from the email I got today:

Sarah's Laughter

"The three Hebrew guys were thrown into a furnace because of their unyielding worship of God. Imagine the jaw-dropping moment when the king looked inside and saw four men walking around unhurt, and ordered the men to step out of the flames. But what if they had refused to come out? If the Hebrew boys had stayed in the flames when God stepped out, they would have been annihilated and utterly destroyed. His presence in that furnace that day assured them that they were safe and secure. They were in His care and no weapon formed against them—not the threats of the king, not the flames of the furnace—would prosper. The same God they trusted to walk with them through the fire was the same God they trusted to lead them out of the fire! He remains that trustworthy today as you experience the fires of infertility!"

They are also hosting a Live chat Friday @ 8:00 cst.  You can learn more about that here:

Infertility Chat

Bad Ovaries

My ovaries have turned against me again recently.  I've got cysts on both of them.  I've been off the pill for a few months to see what would happen.  Well, I found out all right.  So, I'm feeling some better but still a little yucky.  Went back on the pill to hopefully feel totally better soon.

The Branches of Infertility

A few times I've seen it mentioned that one couples infertility eventually, in one way or another affects everyone who cares for them.  I believe I've even advised a newby about that before.  But, I'm not sure that I really understood the truth of that until today.  I would never hurt my family for anything in the world, and I find myself in actual physical pain if any of them are hurting.  And yet, today I saw basically all of them hurting and at least part of it was due to infertility.  MY infertiltiy.  This horrible thing that I carry around inside of me everyday was knawing on my family.  And there is nothing that I can do to remove it.  I can't loose it, change it, or make it noncomplicated.  Infertiltiy is like a disease that infects whole families.  I can't tell you the tears that I've spent, and I know that my parents have ached over it too.  Now I understand that my brother and his family have suffered for it also.  My little brother that I just want to protect from everything.  Oh how we have all been affected by this.  You have no idea how much I want to control the situation.  Some how make everything go away.  I want my problem to be my problem only.  I've learned to deal with the pain for myself.  But, I can't.  God made me.  He put me with my parents.  He created my brother and made me his big sister.  He brought his wife to him, way before I had ever given the word "infertility" a second thought.  I'm learning more and more that I have no control over anything.  Doesn't matter what I want.  God set things up exactly as they are.  I wish that He hadn't.  But, He did.  I will never fully understand why God made me this way.  I don't think I have the ability to understand why it has to touch my family.  All I can do is pray for the majority of the pain to be over soon for all of us(in whatever conclusion that maybe), and to pray for strength.  I have no choice but to praise Him in even this too. 

Mother's Day

picture taken from allposters.com

I mention this every year. Its something that is a part of me now. While I hope that you enjoy your Mother's Day celebrations, I also hope that you keep in mind that not everyone enjoys this holiday. If you know someone who recently lost their mother or is dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss, please keep them in your prayers tomorrow. This and Christmas have always been difficult for me. Usually I celebrate my mother before or after the day and avoid leaving my home on said day. However, I am aware that this could be my last Mother's Day with my maternal Grandmother so I am venturing out to attend church with her and the rest of my family. I will endure a sermon about how wonderful it is to be a mother, and make it through the flower ceremony. If you are around someone whom you know is fertility challenged, just be aware of the pain they may be feeling. Go out of your way to be friendly to them.

Its unfortunate that some must feel unpleasantness on such happy occasions, but it is real.

The Desire of My Heart7

January 2006, One evening we invited my mother over for dinner. We rarely do this, but I had started actually cooking dinner and my husband enjoys having company over. After we ate, she said she wanted to discuss something. A friend from work had a daughter who was pregnant and looking to give up the baby. You don't know how many times I've been offered help like this. When I first found out several woman offered to carry a baby for me. My mother, a friend, etc. Believe me, I never considered it for a second. I just didn't think it was right to ask someone to carry a child and then give it to me. Then there was always, "such and such has a niece that's facing a "un-planned pregnancy"(I hate that phrase, its stupid). However, my mom said that because of all the nice things my mom had told her friend, the woman was thinking specifically of us. We talked it over, a lot. Surprisingly it was my husband who really wanted to pursue it. I was afraid of getting hurt. But, in the end, we both felt that this might be our chance. We relayed the message through my mother that we were interested. A call came a few days later and my mom said that the woman had decided that she for sure wanted us to take the child. She said that the baby was a boy. For two weeks we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off. More information started coming in. The woman was 8 months pregnant, so there wasn't much time. Then we found out that she was in jail. That fact it self didn't matter to us really, but the reason was somewhat unclear. Then we found out that it had something to do with marijuana. Still we remained on board. Then we were told that the father was a secret. Literally, it was a day by day thing. Slowly, it kept becoming more complicated. We saw a lawyer and learned about all the legal stuff. It seemed that everything was going to work in that area. Then we discovered some half-truths. The drug she was in trouble for turned out to be meth. and apparently the woman thought that we were responsible for bailing her out of jail since she was giving us a child. The truth about the woman's character became clear. But, most devastating was it was obvious that we really needed to consider the condition the child would be born in because of the drug abuse. Finally we were told that if the child was born with meth in his system he would be give over to family services right away- it didn't matter that we wanted him. There was a chance that he would be clean- but a small chance. I knew I couldn't deal with this scenario: We go to the hospital to pick up our son only to learn that he had been given to DCF. It would've been the ultimate negative test result. It was so hard....but at the last second we bailed. Everything had just become too unhealthy. Its amazing how much can happen in just a short time. In just three weeks we went from being childless to prospective parents back to childless. The woman gave birth two days after our descion. My sister-in-law was in nursing school at the time. A girl in her class was at the hospital when she delivered. I was thankful to know that the child was born clean. Also she was able to find out that the mother gave the child to some couple in a town nearby. On one hand I believed that our choice was the right one, of course it hurt. I still wonder about him. Sometimes I still have a vision of what I would look like with him in my arms. But, I think about how he must be enriching that other couple's life. No doubt, that may have been our once in a life time chance.
For some infertile couples adoption seems like a natural next step. But, for us it hasn't been that simple. For a long time my husband didn't want to. Then when this came along- I wasn't positive about it. Now neither one of seem to know what we want. Many days I do want to. Then others- it seems like its an unrealistic goal. I still vainly ask myself-"Why can't you just have kids like everybody else". See, I still haven't totally moved on. I have guilt issues. I feel guilty that I can't provide a child for my husband, parents, family, friends. I know they are all tired of wanting me to have/get one. Somedays I'm really sick of being different. Then others, I'm able to feel blessed that its just me and hubby.
Now I wanted to fill in a few blanks.... Here's the website for the infertility/pregnancy loss forum. Its a wonderful support group. If you want to check it out, you can click on "search" at the top of the main page and then type in my nickname "zoebeth" to read all the posts that I wrote. But, I'll remind you that I'm more of a lady now than I was then.
Also, I wanted to mention that I researched my diagnoses fully on my own. For months I read everything that I could read about them on-line. I know more about my body than anyone and more about the way a woman's body works than I ever wanted to. I learned not to just take a doctor's word for it. I admit that I'm not a very good patient, because I don't sit there with a silly grin on my face and say "ok, whatever you say". I expect a doctor to listen to me, and answer the question I have. I don't have time for this "your so smart your God" business. As I said before I took my health into my own hands. The doctor works for me. If he/she isn't want I expect I simply move on to another one. Theres no such thing as a perfect doctor, but I'm not going to put up with any sillyness. I like the doctor I have now because he listens to me and talks to me like I'm as smart as I am, not like I'm stupid and not like a chart.
In comments Jenninms mentioned that she learned to be more sympathetic towards others, and I have to. I've learned to think before I speak and consider what others are going through. I've learned to think about what God thinks in certain situations first before diving into my own madness. Life's hardships are God's teaching tools. And that will wrap this up. Its been very therapeutic for me to share all of this with you, and I thank you for "listening".

The Desire of My Heart6

Before I dive into another instalment, I just wanted to say thanks for all of the positive feedback, support, and just plain keeping up with me and not getting bored. I promise I will wrap this up soon and move on to autumn thoughts.

People. I've heard it all. Everything from "God's punishing you for your sin" with some underlying reference to my purity (or lack there of according to them) before marriage, to being punished for my parent's sins. I've been asked "Don't you want children?", and been labeled "one of those couples who only want dogs". That most difficult question from an old friend, "Don't you have kids yet?". The truth is that people don't want to hear the truth. If I just reply with a simple "No", then they will follow with the "Why?" question. I know better. Believe me, they don't really want to know. "Well, because I'm unable to have any. I'm infertile". At this point the person will either dodge me by "Oh, well...you know what I gotta go." or they will make that all important discovery/suggestion "You could adopt". I guess people just think that you go to the Baby Bank and pick one out and that's it. No, this whole charade just isn't worth the trouble. If there is a woman reading this and you too are conceptionally challenged and your wondering what answer do you give for said question, its this; "Oh, some of these days" followed by a quick (fake) dreamy smile and change of subject. Its whats good for everyone involved.

I think its important now that I address those who know someone who is infertile. They don't want to talk about it. I mean, if they do, they'll bring it up. If they do, then just let them talk and give them kindness. But, most likely they don't want to talk about it with you whom has three kids and one on the way. So, don't ask. If you, fertile one, come across someone without children-again don't ask. You don't need to know. The best thing to do concerning a very close friend or relative is to pray for them. Let them know your praying for them. If they want to talk, again; let them. But, DO NOT go on and on about how they are young and they have plenty of time to get pregnant or doctors aren't always right or maybe if you stand on your head.... all of that will just upset your loved one. If shes smart she'll yell at you, but if shes like me she will just smile and cry about it later. You know what, I may get yelled at for this one, but I gotta say it anyway...That person may not even want to hear "Its all in God's timing" or some other cliche like that. Believe me, its something she already knows. She may be ready to accept that- or not. Its not your place to give it to her. Hope that wasn't too painful. I'm moving on now.

In between the "Its not about you" and where I'm headed now, theres about 5 months. 5 months of heart ache, healing, confusion, and a lot of yelling. One day we were into it heavy, of course it was about me. I wonder if you've discovered that most of your disagreements with your husband is because its about you. They are. Anyway, he needed to leave for work. But, I was busy running him through the dirt. I remember he grabbed the phone and told me he was going to have my mom come and get me. He told me to get out. I don't blame him. He had been living with a crazy person for about a year. I had been rejecting his intimacy, I wasn't taking care of anything. I was no good, and it was all about me. That evening I didn't leave. When he got home he wouldn't let me into our bed. I probably cried myself to sleep. I remember pleading with God to let my marriage live. I remember waking up the next morning and it was like the light of the day gave me the truth. It seems so simple but I knew that I was wrong. Not just about the way I was treating my husband, but about everything. It was all very wrong. I repented to my husband and promised I would be better. Just as soon as I figured out what that was. I met a woman (because she was infertile) on-line that I could talk to about some private issues, and she let me know that I was to stop rejecting my husband because it is disrespectful. Honestly, I thought that sounded crazy. This was my first step to understanding what womanhood was all about. I had been a part of an infertility forum (stepping stones), so I joined a marriage forum. It helped me to learn to think of my husband over myself. I dug deeper. I came across the Biblical Womanhood blog and it was like feeding me. I went from blog to blog taking in as much as I could. Discovering that I had been so wrong for so long. I mean, it seemed insane to me on one hand. These women who let there husbands tell them what to do. Women who home schooled, women who wore dresses because they thought God wanted them to. Even women who wore stuff on their heads. It was the exact opposite of everything I had ever been told. And I loved it. I knew that it was the right path. At least I knew that the way I had been carrying on wasn't working for me. I was desperate to figure out what worked in marriage and in my life. So, I tried it. My husband must have thought aliens had abducted me. I did a complete turn around. And I've been turning every since. I threw myself into learning what the Bible really had to say. I discovered that I had been taught wrong about many things. Shush... don't tell my mom but I'm a conservative christian. I live for my husband and my home now. I'm one of those woman who not only lets her husband tell her what to do-but I like it when he's bossy. I cook, I clean, I love, I learn; and I mess up. That's the learning part. I know for a fact if God had allowed me to have a child at the time I thought I wanted one, I would have never been as happy as I am now. I don't always think I'm happy. Marriage isn't all about being happy all of the time. But overall, I'm happy. I know my purpose. Everybody needs to understand their God-given role. Those who never do are the ones who were searching their whole life but were unable to see what was in front of them. I found out about my infertility at the exact right time. So that I could go through what I needed to go through to become what God wants me to be. I'm not done yet, but I'm headed down the right road.
I think I might have a little more to say...but it'll have to wait until Thursday.

The Desire of My Heart5

Even with all the heart ache, we were still trying to conceive. We had decided not to get involved with fertility treatments, but we were still actively trying. It seemed like I took a pregnancy test at least once a week. Now, I think those things are fine. But for a woman who is driving herself crazy over conception, they are like a drug. I remember the last one I took, there was a line or a circle in every box. I hate home pregnancy tests for infertile women. They shouldn't touch them. Its just another way to beat yourself up. Every negative was like a death, and I had many. I was still going to the doctor that did my surgery. My monthly was almost non-existent. My cycle was so messed up from being on the pill for so long. But, every time I went to that doctor, she wanted to test me. In the end I got smart. My final pregnancy test I requested a blood test. I was tired of sharing my urine with everyone. I remember waiting with my mother for the results. When it came back negative, I explained to the doctor that it would be my last test because she wasn't going to poke me every time I came. My insurance wouldn't pay for that. In a way, that was my first step to some peace. No more wondering, no more let down. In late winter-early spring 2004 I bought The Purpose Driven Life. I'm not about to promote Rick Warren or his ministry. I don't think he is God, nor will he ever be. But, God did speak to me through his book. Yes, I believe God can use even Rick Warren occasionally. The first line of his book is this, "Its not about you!". In return I replied, "Well then who's it about?!". That's really what I needed to discover. Who or what was my life going to be about. If I wasn't going to be a mother, then what? Its amazing that I had such a wonderful man in front of me all the time, and I never considered that he was what my life was about. But, it took me a while to see it. Even then. Just that line, "Its not about you!" started me on a quest to figure out whom it was about. Anyway, on and on the emotional roller coaster went. As time went on, mostly, it got a little easier. As I accepted that facts. We stopped being so serious about conception, and I had to accept that I may never conceive. I still believe in miracles. I couldn't get along without them. If God wants to open my womb, He can. With Him, I could carry twins. If it was His plan for me. But, so far infertility is His plan. I would think I might be getting over it and then suddenly something would trigger the sadness. Yes, at some point I moved onto sadness. Infertility is something that you can never have closure from. Its always with me. I have scares on my stomach to remind me. Empty arms to remind me. Quite nights to remind me. People to remind me (as if I needed it). Oh the people can be cruel.
Continued Tuesday.

The Desire of My Heart2

November 11, 2003 we celebrated our 3rd anniversary. November 12, 2003 was my post-op appt. My mother took me. The hospital had 3 different parking areas. We had to park in the one farthest away from the door. As we were walking towards the door, we had to cross a muddy area because of some construction. I began to step down from the curb and tripped, slipped, or just plan fell. Neither of us know for sure. Thankfully my first impulse was to remove my shoe and sock. My foot began to swell instantly. My mom being the soccer mom type tried to tell me to walk it off. I knew by the pain that there was no way I was going to stand up. I suppose I was crying, I'm not sure. A paramedic walked over from his ambulance and asked if we needed help. He picked me up and carried me inside. I remember he asked me how old I was and he commented that he was younger than me. I was used to it since I look young for my age. Now, this is where things get a little hazy. I didn't wait long before some nice lady came in with a yummy little shot of something to ease the pain. I recall someone saying that they would've had to cut my shoe off of me. My foot got three times its normal size. I kind of remember some x-rays. Then there was a trip to an Orthopedic doctor. More x-rays. Finally, I was told that my foot was broken. Theres a bone that runs from you little toe to your ankle, perhaps there are some other connections in there, but anyway, around about in that area. Thankfully I didn't get a cast. Instead I had to wear an air boot. It was the ugliest thing I ever saw. I would slip my foot in as best I could, tighten the straps, and push a little button to fill the bottom and sides with air. Sort of suspending my foot in cushions. My toes stuck out the end. However, it ment I could take it off and shower. I never did get to my post-op appt. But, my doctor decided that she would still do the surgery. I went back to that hospital early the next morning. I was nervous. I remember waking up before they brought me into the recovery room. I was alone. I'm sure they expected me to be out longer. I was shaking from the anesthia and morphine. I thought I was convulsing. I was so cold. Above everything else I felt angry. I don't know why, but if I'ld had the strength and both feet I would have walked right out of there right then. Then, I guess I went back out. When I came too again my mom and husband were standing over me. There was a nurse also near by. Everybody looked pathetic. My body was still shaking and at first I thought maybe I was dead. By the looks of everyone there was something to be sad about. I'm not sure of the exact things being said. I remember the nurse saying that I may never be able to have children. She was standing on my right. My mother, to my left, began to argue with the nurse (she didn't want me to know yet). I could see my husband through my tears, pacing back and forth at my feet. I have to tell you that I balled like a baby. Good and loud. If the entire floor didn't know that I was unhappy then they were deaf. Thinking about it now, I doubt that I fully understood what she had told me. In fact 2 days later I had to have my mom tell me again. From there I was horrible. They told me I couldn't leave until I used the rest room. I demanded that someone take me right away. I wanted to get out of there. I forced myself to "go". Soon I was in the car on my way home, but it was even worse. I remember some of what I said. But, it was like someone else was talking. I believe I told my husband to leave me. That I was moving back in with my parents. Many hurtful things. I used language that I would never have dreamed of useing. I was so angry at everyone and everything. I remember my dad was at home when we got to my parent's house, he carried me. I'm not sure when I stopped ranting. I remember though, that I got quiet enough that I could hear someone breathing (it was me) and I was halucinating. Probably from the morphine. At some point there was a wheel chair next to me. Because I had three insissions in my stomach it hurt to much to crutch. I could use it to wheel myself to the bathroom. Then I could shuffle on my good foot to the toliet. And that was pretty well all I could do for myself. Unless you've been laid up, you have no idea what it means to need someone. Someone for almost everything. Things are pretty hazy for...I guess 2 days. I remember my mother giving me a bath. Don't get me wrong-physically I probably could've managed once I had everything I needed brought to me. But, I couldn't do it by myself. Between the drugs and my emotions I was truely pathetic. We both cried. Like I said, 2 days later I woke up a little clearer. I asked my mom to explain everything. This is the first conversation about my infertility that I could really take in. She told me that the doctor removed the cysts, but that while she was in there she saw that my uterus was malformed. I would need to go to a fertility specialist to confirm it, but she had seen the doctors pictures. She called it a unicornuate uterus. ( I'll let you do your own research).

to be continued Thursday.

The Desire of my Heart

Recently Anna posted about unanswered prayers. I've been putting off a post of my own for a long time and after reading hers I thought that it was about time for me to get it out. Bare with me this may take a couple different posts and some time.

I had heard of the word "infertility" but I'm fairly sure I'd never used it. Its just not something that people think about. The scenario goes like this: Girl meets Boy. Girl has a fairytale wedding. Girl gets pregnant. Girl, Boy, & Baby (or babies) live happily ever after. Anything outside of this grand plan just doesn't sit well with people. I've gotten the feeling that its almost taboo to some people. Like if you talk about it they'll catch it. I've learned to keep things to myself. But, this is a blog for me to share. So, I'm going to share this thing even if its offensive to some. It maybe helpful to someone else.

I was just like any other woman. My husband and I had been married for 3 years, so we had our "just the two of us" time like society says your supposed to have. Now, I had done everything right. I was a virgin when we got married, I wore white...the whole bit. I had my man, now I wanted a baby. That's just the natural progression of things. At 22 years old my clock was off and ticking. Sometime in late summer 2003 I went off the pill. In October I was late. "Man", I thought, "That was easy". I had expected it might take a year and I was anticipating the wait. I did my figuring and I could be 5 weeks along. We were going to wait until 6 weeks to go to the doctor. But, of course we all but shouted it from the mountain tops that we were sure we were pregnant. Just in that one week that I suspected it, I bought the "what to expect" book, maternity clothes, a name book, baby stuff, etc. One the day that I would've been 6 weeks along, I woke up with pain. Not serious pain, but when you think your pregnant everything is serious. I managed to get an appt. instead of having to go to the E.R. Waiting for those test results is unbelievable. We were....so sure! The only situation I was thinking about was what if its a tubal. I would be faced with an abortion. When she came back with a negative I was perplexed. I had all of the symptoms. Breast tenderness, fatigue, nausea. She set me up with an ultrasound. I went into that little room convinced that the test was wrong and that they would see a little shrimp in there when they moved that wand around. It had to be wrong, my husband had already been talking into my belly button. Somehow, we managed to get the X-ray tech. to tell us that she didn't see a baby. You know how there not supposed to say anything. I had to stay there at the hospital while they faxed the pictures to my doctor. She called the hospital just to talk to me. She said that I ovarian cysts. She said that one of them was so big that it needed to be removed. I still remember the shock that I was hearing that I would need surgery and that I was going to have to find my own surgeon. It took me weeks to find a doctor who was willing to do the surgery. To this day, I think that was weird that my doctor would set something up for me. But, that's when I started taking my health into my own hands. Which is something everyone needs to do. Anyway, during this time I felt like a ticking time bomb. I had been told that the cyst could burst and it might cause me to bleed internally, all of this scary stuff. I was scheduled for surgery for November 13. Two days after our 3rd Anniversary.

To be continued next Tuesday....

Happy Mother's Day

To be honest Mother's Day isn't easy for me. For an infertile woman, her first mother's day is a nightmare. While it does get easier with time, it never goes away. The thing with infertility is theres never closure. At least not until your no longer infertile. For some woman, they never concieve or carry to term.
This year my husband made a card. He drew his own hand, and then put a paw print in it from each of our dogs. He knows that its hard for me, and it was very sweet.

A Homemaker doesn't have to mean mother.

This is taken from Lady Lydia's blog. I thought it was very encouraging.
As far as I understand, there is a category of homemakers which definitely needs encouragement but doesn't get much of it. I am speaking here of stay-at-home wives. Stay-at-home moms often get under attack, but at least they can comfort themselves by the thought that they are doing it for their children, and indeed, as all the studies show, children are much better off home with their moms, than in various institutions. There are a lot of sites and blogs which offer support for moms at home. But childless homemakers are pretty much on their own. I would like to point out yet again, that the phrase "keepers at home" refers to childless women as well. There is plenty to do at home, even without children. Childless homemakers should not feel themselves less important just because they don't have children. Their staying home does make sense! A research conducted in our country showed that men feel themselves neglected when their wives work. The more hours she works, the more neglected the husband feels. The more neglected he feels the more the possibility of divorce. I would like to encourage those of our readers who are stay-at-home wives to share their stories with us. We will publish them on our site under the title "stay-at-home wives series". Just type in your story in comments box and we will publish it as a separate post (it will not appear in comments section). Your testimony will be a great support and encouragement for other childless ladies who are home and may be other childless wives will consider staying home after reading it.
A few monthes after we found out about my infertility I went back to work. I hadn't worked for over a year. At the time we both thought it was a good idea because of all the medical bills I was causing. I had surgery to remove cysts from my ovaries and at the same time I had broken my foot. There were hospital bills, X-ray bills, I saw a fertility specialist twice before we decided that wasn't for us, and then I had physical therapy to learn how to run again. I had deeply enjoyed staying at home. I was told that once the bills were all payed off I would be able to return home. When I started out, I returned to a job that I had a few years before cleaning offices in a factory. Then the secretary job at our church opened, and I got it. I am thankful that I only have to be here for 3 or 4 hours, and that most of the time I am left alone to search the web for homemaking inspiration. Yet, those bills that I acquired have been all paid off for almost 6 monthes and here I sit. I've been told by other bloggers that I need to make an appeal to my husband. That I'm not trying hard enough to convince him I should be home. All I can say is that I have asked. He tells me, "But, your really helping me out right now." And I know that is the point. For me to help him. And as for me trying to convince him...I think thats called nagging. He sees how I spend his money wisely on food and other essentials. I feel that other than that, all I can do is pray that God will change his mind if God wants me at home.

Nothing Important

Just a couple of things on my mind today.
To go along with the schedule that I posted yestarday I wanted to add that it is only what goes on Monday morning through Thursday morning. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are a little different. Hubby works Monday-Thursdays, 4 10 hour shifts. On the weekends things are more relaxed. My hubby doesn't really care for structure. I need it during the week to accomplish anything and for organization. But on the weekends we go by his rules, which means free frall. Usually on Thursday evenings we eat out. Then we go to a ceramics class or just out. Friday mornings I have to work but he usually works on his cars or hangs out with his buddy E. Saturday we may visit with his mom or any number of other people from extended family to coworkers. Sunday is usually my parents day. We got to their house for lunch and most of the time end up playing cards all afternoon. We are extremely spontaneous on the weekends. Thursday night he might decide, "Hey lets go camping", or "Hey lets go to Dallas Tx"(I have family there). I really enjoy this quality in my husband and in our life right now. It is one of the blessings of not having children. Although....shhhh...I would give it up in a heart beat.
Also I've got some websites that I really enjoy that I'm going to add to side bar.
Finally I wanted to say that recently I've read on blogs about infertility. Not very long ago I didn't think anyone that wasn't infertile had a right to talk about it. How would they know how it felt. Although what I've been reading has been very encouraging and loving. I consider myself post IF. Yet, sometimes it comes up as fresh as if it was just communicated to me yestarday. The thing about IF is that the pain never really goes away. As women God gives us a desire to have children. Its natural. God created me infertile-yet I still have that desire. Its like when a person close to you dies. You eventually start to move on with time. But sometimes you get an over whelming desire to see them and you can't. Logically I understand everything I need to know about it. I know, maybe only part, why he allowed it. I know that dna in humans have been messed up since the fall. I know that becuase of sin, I'm barren. I know that God controls the universe and theres a perfect reason why I remain childless. But, sometimes my heart is irrational. Sometimes that knowledge just isn't comforting. And I cry a little or alot. God cries with me. My husband huggs me...and for a few more weeks or monthes I'm alright again.

Check it out!

Theres an interesting discussion going on at Missionary Mom's blog about "thinking before we speak".
Heres a good idea of how to handle a conversation with an infertile friend:
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_hcih

One step closer!

Praise the Lord! We are almost done with our living room remodeling. We need one more little piece of wood around the top and we are finished. I have a woman making curtains for me (they are too expensive to buy) and all I have to do is go and visite. They are in the style like shown above. I'm so excited that we are getting closer to our goal.
I was thinking this weekend about how differently I view my husband. Being a self-centered person I thought he had been brought into my life to serve me. Had I became pregnant and had a child three years ago when we tried to concieve, our child may not have gotten the right view of marriage. Because of my infertility---after all the saddness and things that I put myself through----I set out to figure out what my purpose was, which led me to many sites about biblical womanhood. Which led me to the truth. I hate to think how I would have messed up so badly had things gone my way back then. I'm so thankfully that God knows what I need.