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Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Branches of Infertility

A few times I've seen it mentioned that one couples infertility eventually, in one way or another affects everyone who cares for them.  I believe I've even advised a newby about that before.  But, I'm not sure that I really understood the truth of that until today.  I would never hurt my family for anything in the world, and I find myself in actual physical pain if any of them are hurting.  And yet, today I saw basically all of them hurting and at least part of it was due to infertility.  MY infertiltiy.  This horrible thing that I carry around inside of me everyday was knawing on my family.  And there is nothing that I can do to remove it.  I can't loose it, change it, or make it noncomplicated.  Infertiltiy is like a disease that infects whole families.  I can't tell you the tears that I've spent, and I know that my parents have ached over it too.  Now I understand that my brother and his family have suffered for it also.  My little brother that I just want to protect from everything.  Oh how we have all been affected by this.  You have no idea how much I want to control the situation.  Some how make everything go away.  I want my problem to be my problem only.  I've learned to deal with the pain for myself.  But, I can't.  God made me.  He put me with my parents.  He created my brother and made me his big sister.  He brought his wife to him, way before I had ever given the word "infertility" a second thought.  I'm learning more and more that I have no control over anything.  Doesn't matter what I want.  God set things up exactly as they are.  I wish that He hadn't.  But, He did.  I will never fully understand why God made me this way.  I don't think I have the ability to understand why it has to touch my family.  All I can do is pray for the majority of the pain to be over soon for all of us(in whatever conclusion that maybe), and to pray for strength.  I have no choice but to praise Him in even this too. 


gin said...

praying for you.

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