A few times I've seen it mentioned that one couples infertility eventually, in one way or another affects everyone who cares for them. I believe I've even advised a newby about that before. But, I'm not sure that I really understood the truth of that until today. I would never hurt my family for anything in the world, and I find myself in actual physical pain if any of them are hurting. And yet, today I saw basically all of them hurting and at least part of it was due to infertility. MY infertiltiy. This horrible thing that I carry around inside of me everyday was knawing on my family. And there is nothing that I can do to remove it. I can't loose it, change it, or make it noncomplicated. Infertiltiy is like a disease that infects whole families. I can't tell you the tears that I've spent, and I know that my parents have ached over it too. Now I understand that my brother and his family have suffered for it also. My little brother that I just want to protect from everything. Oh how we have all been affected by this. You have no idea how much I want to control the situation. Some how make everything go away. I want my problem to be my problem only. I've learned to deal with the pain for myself. But, I can't. God made me. He put me with my parents. He created my brother and made me his big sister. He brought his wife to him, way before I had ever given the word "infertility" a second thought. I'm learning more and more that I have no control over anything. Doesn't matter what I want. God set things up exactly as they are. I wish that He hadn't. But, He did. I will never fully understand why God made me this way. I don't think I have the ability to understand why it has to touch my family. All I can do is pray for the majority of the pain to be over soon for all of us(in whatever conclusion that maybe), and to pray for strength. I have no choice but to praise Him in even this too.
Truth and Love
3 years ago