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Thursday, June 29, 2006

Nothing Important

Just a couple of things on my mind today.
To go along with the schedule that I posted yestarday I wanted to add that it is only what goes on Monday morning through Thursday morning. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are a little different. Hubby works Monday-Thursdays, 4 10 hour shifts. On the weekends things are more relaxed. My hubby doesn't really care for structure. I need it during the week to accomplish anything and for organization. But on the weekends we go by his rules, which means free frall. Usually on Thursday evenings we eat out. Then we go to a ceramics class or just out. Friday mornings I have to work but he usually works on his cars or hangs out with his buddy E. Saturday we may visit with his mom or any number of other people from extended family to coworkers. Sunday is usually my parents day. We got to their house for lunch and most of the time end up playing cards all afternoon. We are extremely spontaneous on the weekends. Thursday night he might decide, "Hey lets go camping", or "Hey lets go to Dallas Tx"(I have family there). I really enjoy this quality in my husband and in our life right now. It is one of the blessings of not having children. Although....shhhh...I would give it up in a heart beat.
Also I've got some websites that I really enjoy that I'm going to add to side bar.
Finally I wanted to say that recently I've read on blogs about infertility. Not very long ago I didn't think anyone that wasn't infertile had a right to talk about it. How would they know how it felt. Although what I've been reading has been very encouraging and loving. I consider myself post IF. Yet, sometimes it comes up as fresh as if it was just communicated to me yestarday. The thing about IF is that the pain never really goes away. As women God gives us a desire to have children. Its natural. God created me infertile-yet I still have that desire. Its like when a person close to you dies. You eventually start to move on with time. But sometimes you get an over whelming desire to see them and you can't. Logically I understand everything I need to know about it. I know, maybe only part, why he allowed it. I know that dna in humans have been messed up since the fall. I know that becuase of sin, I'm barren. I know that God controls the universe and theres a perfect reason why I remain childless. But, sometimes my heart is irrational. Sometimes that knowledge just isn't comforting. And I cry a little or alot. God cries with me. My husband huggs me...and for a few more weeks or monthes I'm alright again.


mjm said...

I was searching back through your blog to find Amish references (thanks for your comment to my post :) ) and saw this post. I have annovulation and most likely pcos, but I haven't had the blood work done to confirm the diagnosis. All three of my children were conceived by the use of fertility meds. I know some women who do not talk about their infertility, but my opinion is that infertility is just as much a part of me as my blue eyes are. I talked about it daily when we were going through our journey. I still talk about it because it is still a part of me. Even though we were blessed and the drugs and everthing else came together to produce our lovely children and angel I still hurt and get angry when issues of pregnancy and children are involved. You're right the pain doesn't go away. I still feel like a failure and seeing someone get pg when they are not even trying brings all the old feelings right up to the surface all over again.

I saw on your header that you hope to adopt by Christmas 2007. I will be praying for you and your DH.

Hugs :)

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