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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Where I'm At

Today I'm in a terrible mood. I'm frustrated, angry, and scared. (WARNING! this post is not for someone who is bright and gay today, and its not for men)
First things first. Last month I just barely had my "monthly". It lasted a day and a half, and it was very light. This is unusaul for me. This month it appears that I won't have one at all. I have all of the symptoms, but its not happening.
To make matters worse I have my annual check up today. So, I'll have to tell him. If I don't my husband will. If it just wasn't today-I could have carried on and seen what happened.
Probably, to most of you-this would sound like good news. You'ld be out buying home pregnancy tests and wondering through the baby stuff isle thinking, "Could it be?!". But, for me this event (or lack of one I guess) means that my cycle isn't running right for some reason. A missed "monthly" for me is a bad thing. I have PCOS. In a nut shell-my ovaries don't do what they are supposed to do. I've been taking birth control pills to try and control my ovaries, however it seems that isn't working anymore.
The worst case senario is that I have a cyst or cysts on my ovaries and I'll have to have surgery again. The best case is that I just need some progesterone to jump start my cycle.
I know the routine. First he'll want to do a pregnancy test-because they just don't get it. Then I'll have the not so pleasant experience of being told I'm not pregnant when I know I'm not but nobody likes to be told their not even when they know their not. Then he'll want an ultrasound to check for cysts. If he finds something-then I'll have to find a doctor to remove them. If he doesn't then I'll get the progesterone. If that doesn't work, then I'll be refurred back to the Infertility Specialist that costs and arm and a leg. He will go on to diagnose me with some other "female problem" and I get to deal with that on top of the others until I'm 40 years old and I can get a hyster-however its spelled. They won't give me one now because I'm too young and I don't know what I want.
I'm just going to be really honest...... I'm really scared. I feel like a scared little girl. I want to curl up in a ball somewhere and hide. Hide from my own body. In my brain I know what its all about. I know that whatever happens its all apart of God's plan and He is in control. I know that I should try not to worry because I have NO control over what happens. God maybe trying to teach me something. And on it goes. My brain gets it. My heart, however, hurts. I don't want to do this. I don't want to go there again. I'm angry because the Drs. can't fix it, not totally. Its all a quessing game. And I have to pay for them not to fix it.
The anger says, "FINE! Bring it on!" and the sad, scared says, "I can't do it again, please leave me alone."
I'm a mess today. Hopeing things look better tomarrow.
If you happen to get through this post- and don't feel totally depressed, please remember me and my husband in your prayers today. My appt. is at 6:45 this evening.
Thanks for "listening".


Brandy said...

I'm definitely praying for you. :*-(

Myfriendconnie said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, Bethanie. I will be praying for you.

Bethany said...

I said a prayer for you, Bethanie -- may the God of all peace and comfort surround and fill you during this difficult time. You are loved!

Sharon said...

Dear Bethanie--
How I feel for you. I am one of those 41 year olds who has had a partial hyster......however you spell ums. I have had cysts on my ovaries--they hurt but they go away. And for me it means my ovaries are still working--which means I am still producing hormones. Hormones---a good thing.
I do pray that your doctors appointment goes as God wills it to go. I am learning at this time in my life that His will is always better even if it seems warped. Sometimes in the hard times I want people to pray that I am strong and that I will make it through still standing on my feet. That is not always the way God wants it. Lately God has wanted me weak and emptied out so that He can fill me with His grace.
Remember Paul and his problem? He asked God to take it away and God said my grace will be suffcient. Did God give Paul second best? No--God gave him more than he could imagine. So I pray in your weakness He will be strong. And that your heart and the heart of your hubby will be filled to overflowing with the grace of God.
You are His girl--He wants His best for you! Will you take it?

Anonymous said...

Dear Bethane,
It sounds to me that you are suffering, and I am sorry for it. It also sounds like you may be getting inconsistent care. I advise you to read ALL that you can about PCOS. There are a lot of treatments available that were not used when I was first diagnosed back in 1972.
I am especially concerned because you are looking for a doctor to remove your cysts. This may not be the best thing, in fact if it is PCOS it is not a good thing, as far as the information that I have. If your cysts are not from PCOS, that might be a different story.

I pray that you will find the information that you need. I know that you are going through a lot of emotions right now.


Bethanie said...

Thanks everyone

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